Loathing - 12.05.14 in Your Face

Full of self loathing today. Beating myself up because I am inconsiderate, rude, mean. It doesn't take much to be a nice person, and I do try. I don't know what my problem is where I have to replay things in my head and tell myself I am a horrible person, all over the smallest things. I doubt I am as completely awful as my head wants to tell me I am, but it's like having a split personality. People seem to be attracted to my personality, in every group of people that I mix with, there is always someone who emulates me, or copies my jokes or sayings, or plays up things we have in common. It's flattering, and I suppose it's pleasant enough to be likeable, but I feel like such a fraud. Am I just putting on a show, like my mother taught me to? Tell a joke, flash a smile (with the perfectly straight teeth, of course) and always leave before you wear your welcome out.

If people knew how pathetic and bitter I really am, I'm sure they'd run for miles.

I want to be happier, more satisfied with my life. I wonder if that will be within reach for me once I get what I want - a settled life. I want to quit moving, quit getting rid of my belongings, to have a long term plan for where I will live and what I will do. Maybe I am so scattered and useless because I have no grounding. I really hope it's that simple, but I'm afraid it won't be.

Waiting for my dad to call me to talk about my step mother. Am only feeling slightly churned up about it, which is unlike me. No appetite today though, not sure if it's linked or not. Only had a thin sandwich for lunch and a chocolate bar (which I wasn't really hungry for). Skipping dinner because I can. Saves money and cutting some calories can only do me a favour.

Nineteen days of work left for me. The end can't come soon enough. I have begun checking out mentally, and although I am terrified of no longer having an income, perhaps I will be less uptight being away from the place.