Pride & Prejudice in Aftermath

So my mom surprised me yesterday by telling me she went to a viewing of a place and it was really nice she took pictures she explained my situation so I won’t have to I still have to see the place but they seem to be okay with me being on assistance they’ve had people who have been on assistance before.

I want to go for it but I’m just extremely worried I mean there’s a big part of me that’s like it’ll be closer to my mother and my mother’s so verbally abusive and critical man it’s hard you know I just like always try to think will this mitigate that well I don’t know just getting out of the situation I mean no one else is helping me other than her and she only really helps me if it’s in her area.

The housing workers havent been good at all at helping me really and the places I found on my own were really bad compared to the one she saw.

There’s no guarantee I mean it has still has to go through at least an agent I still have to see it it is on a higher floor of the 8th floor I wanted fourth or lower but it seems to look like it’s a smaller or lower rise building to begin with so the eight floor is not really that high from what it looks like.

My mom says there’s a nice park around the area it’s close to things the areas are accessible it’s not far from where I live now it’s a different type of area things may be cheaper actually to buy things so that makes sense.

I just don’t want my mom showing up on my door whenever she wants or harassing me to come over because it’s convenient because I know she’s so clingy but at this point what choice do I have.

I mean this place just gets worse by the day and I just don’t want to get close to people here and they’re not fixing my repairs I don’t want to go to the legal route.

So I might probably just do this I don’t know I mean you know I worry about it so much and then watch it they don’t even accept us or something or maybe something better comes I’m such a warrior and I always worry about the wrong thing.

Sometimes that’s great because there’s nothing to worry about and then other times it’s not because it’s just like out of left field what I didn’t think I should worry about and then I’m not prepared.

matter of time getting to sleep last night I should be relieved about the situation and I am but I guess I’ll just blindsided by her because I didn’t expect her to even go on viewings you know. At all.

So I was kind of pleasantly surprised that she did because you know when it comes to me moving it’s not something she seemed quite interested about you know but I guess she had the time so she did that and I do appreciate it takes a lot off of me it just sucks that people that are like workers and get paid to do this don’t and my mom is going through so much and I get kind of pushed towards her to help me because I need the help I’m not an invalid but I’m in the situation that’s so oppressive it’s it’s hard to function there’s a lot of pain here and I’m too emotional I know that

But I don’t know I guess I just need to toughen up a bit too you know especially right now this is a bad situation we’re in the middle of pandemic I haven’t found any good places this is in places and relatively that cheap I’m going to have to pay $50 more on top of the benefit I get utilities are not included either

But at the same time it’s like closer to her you know my mom if I need things or if I want to have dinner there sometimes save money it’s cheaper area I don’t know it just seems like an okay situation it can’t be that bad.

I can’t wait too much longer it’s just killing me being here I’m so depressed my mom’s always on me about how messy the place is but I guess it’s just some conscious feeling of not belonging here and not feeling like I want to keep anything really that great like I used to but it’s the depression too obviously don’t want to live really dirty it’s just a lot of grief and like here you know what a pain in the treated me so badly here this is the longest apartment I’ve lived in for 5 years but I’ve been in two of their other buildings and it’s just been hell this is the best of the three.

So I just hope and that’s what I’m trying to hold on to that this new place can’t be any worse than this place.

But of course we don’t always anticipate the things we know about the things that we should worry about but I don’t really know what to do at this point you know I’m lost and I don’t have any other solutions other than to take this place.

Anyways I’m watching Pride and prejudice I’m really into the period movies right now it’s pretty good I’m going to watch Jane Eyre after this and maybe Ophelia.

The cooler weather is out so that’s nice I don’t like the oppressive heat I was throwing up all day yesterday I cannot take the heat.

I’m back doing my readings and I’m feeling very accurate but I’m not getting a lot of traction yet but I have to just be patient because you can’t just come back to something and expect everyone’s wanting something from you you know even if you’ve chosen that you’re ready to start reading again

So yeah I don’t know what I’ll be doing today.

Change is so hard even though I hate this place I’m trying to cling to it I’m trying to you know I don’t know why I’m so scared for this new step in my adventure in my life but I’m not.

It’s a mixture of wanting to do everything I feel like I can here that I “can’t” at the next place or something and just wanted to get the hell out of here.

Last updated August 08, 2021