Emotions in The Song Remembers When

Earlier this year I heard a song that kind of snapped something in me. And it was weird because I didn’t actually understand the lyrics because it was in Mandarin, and I don’t speak Mandarin. But something about the way it was sung made me go look up the lyrics and I felt something inside me crumble as I looked at the words.

The thing about survival mode is that when every day is just about making it through, you don’t have time to tend to trivial little things like your emotional well-being. When I heard that song, I realized the breadth of distance I’d put between myself and my emotions. So I’ve spent the bulk of my time in quarantine trying to find my way back to my emotions, and my heart.

One of the easiest ways to do that is to go back to that foundation. I started listening to the songs that really stirred something in my when I was a child. Songs that seem so far away because I’m so distant in my emotions that it’s almost like listening to my heartbeat at the end of a hallway instead of in my ears.

So I thought I’d share with you some songs that were my favorites when I was young… maybe it’ll help you find your way back to something you’ve lost.

Wilson Phillips - Release Me

Everyone always listens to Hold On, but as a kid I always preferred this. I don’t know what was happening in my life in single digits where this song brought a sense of relief to me, but there you have it… I’ve literally been stressed my whole life. And this song really brought me some, well, release.

Madonna - Oh Father

I know what you’re thinking, Jesus Christ, what was wrong with you as a child? but hear me out. This wasn’t my first contact with Madonna, I remember the Material Girl video premiering because it was playing in the hospital where my grandmother was when she had her stroke. But I never connected to a Madonna song until I found this cassette single in my mother’s music cabinet. Somehow, it comforted me. I didn’t really know my father as a child. I knew who he was, I met him a few times, but I was raised primarily by women, first my mother and then my grandmother. Many people have a great many thoughts about what that did to me as a child, including my father, but the truth is, I greatly respect my mother for her approach. She never fostered any resentment in me regarding his decision not to be in my life. She just kind of shrugged and said, “That’s his choice, there’s nothing wrong with that” and moved on. Which is basically how I felt about it. Now, as a child, I was acutely aware that I was missing a person in my life, and I didn’t always know how I felt about that… until I heard this song. It’s worth pointing out that I only heard the song and never saw the video until I was in my late-teens, because had I seen the video, I probably wouldn’t have had such a positive reaction to the song. It comforted me because I had seen, especially in my cousins’ lives, how hurtful and scary a father could be. This song kind of reiterated to me that maybe I’m lucky not to have such an abusive and disruptive influence in my life. I’m sure that’s not the positive thing I thought it would be, but 7-year-old logic is not adult logic. I still hear this song, though, and feel thankful for the love I did have, because it was love, and not the love I missed because it might not have been very loving.

Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men - One Sweet Day

Was there anyone alive in 1995 who didn’t have some kind of emotional response to this song? It kind of became a cliche after its popularity, and I hadn’t listened to it in a long time, but after having lost my grandmother, it really hit me again in a new way. I think I almost like it better now than I did when I was younger because I actually have accrued some loss now. Is it cheesy? Yes. But it’s gourmet cheese.

TLC - Waterfalls

Yes, I know. More tragedy. But somehow, I totally fell in love with this song. I had no real idea what this song was about, I just knew that the chorus made sense to me. I was really angry that I wasn’t growing because of my PKU, I was still the same size (and I would be for almost another 25 years) and I wanted to be something else. The chorus calmed me down.

Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World

I didn’t encounter this song until I was much older because I was that weird junior high kid who liked to watch Dennis Miller Live on HBO. This was his intro music and I had to find it and listen to it. God, I was such a broody and dramatic kid.

Alanis Morissette - You Learn

Everybody my age either loved or hated Jagged Little Pill, and I was on the side that loved it. Along with LeAnn Rimes’ Blue, it was the first piece of music I bought for myself. The song that I really loved (although, it would change over time) was You Learn. Ironic was cute but didn’t really have any weight to me. You Oughta Know didn’t make sense to me because I was a virgin without a significant other or any experience in that area. Same thing for Head Over Feet. But You Learn was about how fucked up life can be and sometimes you just have to shrug and get on with it. Life makes no sense so stop trying and just learn your lessons. It’s such a beautiful sentiment and something that I really need to remember when I forget it in favor of romantic drama.

Savage Garden - The Animal Song
After all of that deep bullshit, I finally found a song that made me feel free and full of release. I loved it so much.

Stevie Nicks - Candlebright

For some reason, when I heard this song, it sounded like me. It sounded like she was describing me. I had just started listening to Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks, I had nothing besides Fleetwood Mac’s terrible Greatest Hits album and Stevie’s TimeSpace, another terrible greatest hits album (seriously, get The Very Best of Fleetwood Mac or Don’t Stop - 50 Years Boxset and Stevie’s Crystal Visions or Stand Back Boxset). This was the first time I experienced a Stevie Nicks album as a whole. The Trouble in Shangri-La album was such a pivotal moment for me. My relationship with Joe was at a serious crossroads because he was leaving for New York and I still had one year left of high school. He kept insisting that we’d be long distance because I’d follow him to New York… but I didn’t want to go to New York. I wanted to go to New Orleans or Paris or a million other places. New York never really interested me. I felt so much like people were trying to herd me into different directions and Joe was great at that. He mostly let me be myself, but I loved him so much, I was willing to make compromises. But I wasn’t 15 anymore. I was trying to figure out who I was going to be… and I heard Candlebright (really the whole album was like a screenplay of the end of my relationship) and it crystalized how I felt. I resolved that we would stay together, on my terms, and maybe I’d follow him to New York or maybe I won’t, but I wasn’t going to make any promises when I didn’t know what kinds of things would change over the next year. In the end, he died but I had already made the choice to separate my identity from him… it would take me years to realize that, but this song was kind of that moment.

And finally, this was the song I talked about at the beginning. Chuckie, who you’ll remember is obsessed with Chinese culture, knew this song and even played it for me before I left for Thailand. That chorus just breaks my walls, I don’t know what it is. Oh and I put in the lyric video because the words are the point hahaha

Andrew Tan - Round And Round