Pressing matters. in Since OD is shutting down....

With school to start back up in about 3 weeks, I’m doing some planning on getting a job and hoping that I’ll find something within my daughter’s school hours since the daycare she had gone to could be shutting down and I don’t trust her being there since they are so short staffed and not everyone working there is fingerprinted. I will also have different times where I won’t be able to to work like holidays and when school is closed for conferences and what not. Also, most daycares here have a waiting list so I know I won’t have childcare in the evenings or weekends.

I plan to still Dash as well and I am wanting to start getting back to the gym and get healthy. I totally hate my body and I’m not in the best physical health so I want to get some weight off me and get myself back to a really good place. We could be going to the gym now and probably will pretty soon. I honestly can’t wait to get on a treadmill with my water bottle and some headphones and be able to tune out the world for a little while. I used to run/walk on the treadmill several miles a day. I know it’ll take awhile to work back up to that but in the meantime, I will plan to go as much as I can.

Being a single Mom is super hard but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s definitely made me a smarter, better person. I know I spent a lot of time being angry and dwelling on things out of my control. I used to think that I wouldn’t ever let go of the hurt, pain, drama, excuses, lies and all the joy he robbed me of but I know that I don’t care anymore. Life has become so much easier to just worry about what I can control and not worry about what I can’t.

I’m not the perfect Mom but I love my child to the moon and back and give her the absolute best life I can and part of that is to be healthy and happy. I remember just being in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind because I never got a break outside of my home or my job but I’m in the best mental place I’ve ever been. I never thought I’d be able to just let CS go because I felt like since he won’t be there physically or mentally that he should at least be held accountable financially but at this point, I’m going to just give it to God and live life as happy as I can.

I have just been way too fucking worried about someone else’s absence and selfishness that it wasn’t healthy. I need to let him worry about his own problems and I worry about my own. Whatever happens to him isn’t my business, concern, or my problem. He’ll be held accountable eventually and in the meantime, it’s not like he’s getting off scot-free because his license in suspended, they will intercept his taxes, it’s on his credit report and will be in jail. Shit is probably going to really suck for him and that’s enough.

As far as looking for a job goes, I’d still like to do what I did for 7 years but it’s hard to remember that not all places are like the job I left behind. There’s places that do respect your personal time, that let you leave when you’re scheduled to and understand that you have commitments outside of work. I am still very angry at what that job did where even a year later I’m terrified that I would end up dealing with all the same shit as before.

I think that the best thing you can have in life is an open mind because if you never see things differently than what you want to see, you could end up with a lot of regret. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let go and let things be what they are. I’ve realized that and I’m a lot happier for it.