8w in The REAL Baby Journey!

I had the worst nerves all week - certain something would go wrong right before my first ultrasound or that they wouldn't find anything or that we'd find a baby but no heartbeat...I laid awake for hours each night worried and anxious and sad and concerned. I shared those feelings with no one but my mom (Rob is such a positive, everything works out, glass half full, don't worry until you're given reason to worry sort of person...my being so focused on this is strange territory for him and he doesn't know quite what to do) so I mostly just laid awake and Googled (stupid) and read pregnancy blogs (double stupid when you find them by googling 'missed miscarriage' or 'miscarriage without bleeding') and perseverated.

I did dash off an email to my mom after a particularly stressful day at work yesterday. My 33 year old patient coded and died and I hadn't been out of his room all day - nonstop at his bedside pushing drugs and titrating drips and giving blood products and consoling his weeping mother and giving giving giving of myself (happily, openly, without reservation) but by the end of the day I hadn't drank any water or eaten any food or used the bathroom and I was tired. I was emotionally fried, physically exhausted, spiritual depleted and I just needed my mom. I emailed her as I slowly and sadly gathered up my things and I poured out how worried I was for today and how my nerves were frayed after an emotionally difficult day. Instead of emailing me back, she promptly called.

She answered without saying hello - just "I want you to know I love you and I'm here for you and you can vent to me any time about anything without judgment or advice required or worry that I'll tell anyone or think any less of you. Tell me about your day. Tell me how you're feeling." And so I walked out of work crying, my heart ripped open and raw and my mom picked it up and she listened and she cried with me and I got to my car and I sat there and I cried more but it felt cathartic. I put out there all of my 'crazy' concerns and she just accepted them and validated them and loved me anyway.

She told me at one point that she understands my trepidation with going all in emotionally with this pregnancy and that being so high risk is understandably concerning. Then she said "But I thought about this a lot too. I could live in a world with one foot all in and one foot cautiously concerned but that doesn't save me from pain if something does goes wrong. I could tell you every reason to stay guarded and list statistics that validate your worries or I could tell you that the best things in life are felt when you give all of yourself to them, completely, 100%, even if doing that scares the shit out of you, you know you were in it entirely." And oh how much sense that makes. She feels scared for me too but even more than that she feels hope and love and faith and positivity and promise. And beyond any validation of my own worries and fears, that was exactly what I needed to hear.

So I wiped my eyes and I said "Thank you for listening and knowing what to say, always" and we said our 'I love you's and I drove home. I walked in the door to dinner fresh on the table from my wonderful husband and I slept great last night and today I went to my very first ultrasound.

And we saw a tiny heartbeat and Rob was there and held my hand and the baby is healthy, measuring right on track, positioned right where it is supposed to be in my uterus and everything is perfect. The best picture I've ever seen in my life. :)