panic attack, evan, stupidity, survivor guilt. and um. devotion. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

yeah so i'm out of it right now due to my ED and. stuff.

Ok so now I have survivor guilt as well as 'normal guilt'. er I mean the other kindof guilt.

Evan's still here far as I know. I texted him last night [from my email] w/ 'oh fuk something's wrong'. yeah probably not the best way to broach that topic. I mean yeah something is wrong.

No I had a panic attack. and I don't get those like.ever. I get anxiety attacks but they're different. So I looked it up online which only furthered that. I'm like 'oh god what if I die right now?' [well um I have an ED so. yes that's a possibility]. I knew what it was but I didn't want to be alone during it. Like, I spiked the hell out. omygod. I was in such a state that I'm like 'I need to be sedated'. that's only happened like, 4 times next to this one. but I didn't know what they were. And looking back I'm like huh. so maybe that's what it was.

Um but yeah.

Ya know. it's so weird. cause in between him calling me at 2 a.m. Tues. and some time Wed. afternoon I honestly thought I'd lost him. and so I was all preparing myself for that. I was in shock. I was remembering things about him. Ad also waiting to hear from his mom.

And. so he actually wants to live. I don't. [well um no given I have a lethal disease. actually it started cause I was curious.......when I was 13]. no but um. my depression's the worst it''s been in a long time. since college, really. and that worries me.

I don't know that anyone's said anything about it but what would I want them to say? well I'd want them to check in w/ me daily/weekly.

But friends don't do that. Mine never have much as I love them. I'll do that for them.

No but. um. w/ Evan when I thought. I'd lost him it's like wow so someone who wants to live isn't/isn't going to and it's already happening or it will very soon. And yet. bc of last May I shouldn't even be here. that's the reality of it. [so we talked about that and apparently that night he gave me milk which I don't remember].

Like yeah I feel bad that he didn't tell me. he didn't even have to tell anyone else just me cause I know a thing or 2 about ingesting shit. I could've told him 'yeah this is how you're supposed to be feeling and this is what you do'. I mean god. If you're going to ingest something and even if you're not either look it up online so you know what the hell you're doing or ask someone who does. I did that w/ nutmeg. [actually I didn't ingest that. but my point being].

Yeah but he's the one who made the decision not to tell me. I did nothing wrong. I know that but I don't believe it. and until I do people telling me that won't do a damn thing, so. which is why I never do.

he knows he effed up. and I think he also knows he needs to step the hell up. so this doesn't happen. I mean he's not stupid. [no actually he's fairly intelligent]. [and that's what I came down on him for. er. he's all like 'i'm so stupid and now i might not be here and i don't know what to do' and i'm 'you're not stupid. cmon. no you know what to do you just haven't done it yet'. I can see right through that].

We keep running into this problem. He needs to start being more open w/ me cause otherwise. this same thing might happen again. cause yeah I'm that worried. I'm sorry that I want to change him but I do. I want to turn him into who I want him to be not who he actually is. I want us to have a better relationship and I'm the one putting in more effort than he is. yes ok so he's been randomly phoning me more often than not. I've been open w/ him about most everything and in fact he's the only one. and he. hasn't. I know about his ex and I know about his mom.

I wouldn't do this for just anyone. in fact I wouldn't do this for most of my friends tell them call any time and i mean it. i just don't care that much. I realised Tues. morning that I'd do anything for him. and there's one other person I'd do anything for but I can't cause, well. she left us 9 yrs. ago. And now that Evan almost died. we think. well it makes me even more hypervigilant.

I thought I could er, rather. I thought I'd be ok on my own without him. I thought I wouldn't need anyone. I thought ok so yeah I'll go through hell and be ok. like ok yeah I'll relapse but it'll be fine. but apparently not. not lately anyway.

I'm a clingy person esp. lately. well fuk you'd be too if you were all hypervigilant. and it's been a long time since I've been this open w/ anyone. yeah there are parts of the relationship [no I don't mean dating] that aren't good for me but well. I don't really care. if I cared I'd stop contacting him altogether. and also that's the point. I use that to my advantage. yeah. I'm still destructive after all these yrs.

maybe some people don't completely get that. and that's ok. and maybe they don't agree w/ that or don't like it. ok. but it does serve a purpose having him in my life. more than 1 actually.