I Wanna Wake Up Without Feeling Sick in I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown

But I can’t ‘cause I’m a drug abusing alcoholic…
-NOFX I Am An Alcoholic

I poised the question in my last entry why oh why do I do this to myself.

Actually have been thinking of an answer to that. The therapist described me as the person in a store staring down the cereal aisle. Everything is nice, stocked and organized. I spread my arms out and start running, knocking everything off the shelves.

I’ve come to learn that those bred in chaos only know to thrive in chaos. Which is a pretty good explanation of my self destructive behaviors. I have a good, well paying job. There really isn’t much (if any) drama in my life that isn’t self inflicted.

Why won’t I allow myself happiness and the feeling of just being?

If you figure out the answer to that, let me know.

It seems my downfall is the bottle. If I can just conquer that and work more on my mental health I’ll be in a better place. Some nights it feels like the walls are closing in. I know I’ll be awake all night and be alone. I hate that. I hate that my go to cold comfort is the very thing thst is making me sick. I shit blood now after benders, do I care? No…not really…insanity, that’s what it is!
Ugh!

In other news…
Second quarter meeting at work is Thursday and they’re feeding us Ole Hickory BBQ. I looked up their menu and yum yum, it all looks so scrumptious. I’m excited.

I finished my Philip K. Dick short story collection and now have started A. Lee Martinez’s The Last Adventure Of Constance Verity. I’m three chapters in and it’s completely bonkers. I love Martinez’s hilarious yet intriguing writing.

Oh well, it’s 5:01 AM. Waiting on the ibproferen to kick in. My right ankle and lower back hurt. Did some mildly physical stuff at work, nothing too strenuous but after ten hours you do feel it. The older gentleman and I are warming up to each other, so that’s a plus.

Guess I’ll get back into my book and read till I fall asleep.