Telephone Insecurities in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

telephone insecurities - 5/28/2005

        "We Belong Together" - Mariah Carey

I didn't mean it When I said I didn't love you so I should have held on tight I never should've let you go I didn't know nothing I was stupid I was foolish I was lying to myself I couldn't have fathomed that I would ever Be without your love Never imagined I'd be Sitting here beside myself

        'Cause I didn't know you
        'Cause I didn't know me
        But I thought I knew everything
        I never felt
        The feeling that I'm feeling
        Now that I don't
        Hear your voice
        Or have your touch and kiss your lips
        Cause I don't have a choice
        Oh, what I wouldn't give
        To have you lying by my side
        Right here, 'cause baby

        [Chorus:]
        When you left
        I lost a part of me
        It's still so hard to believe
        Come back baby please
        We belong together
        Who else am I gonna lean on
        When times get rough
        Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
        Till the sun comes up
        Who's gonna take your place
        There ain't nobody better
        We belong together

        I can't sleep at night
        When you are on my mind
        Bobby Womack's on the radio
        Singing to me
        'If you think you're lonely now'
        Wait a minute
        This is too deep, too deep
        I gotta change the station
        So I turn the dial
        Trying to catch a break
        And then I hear Babyface
        I only think of you
        And it's breaking my heart
        I'm trying to keep it together
        But I'm falling apart
        I'm feeling all out of my element
        I'm throwing things
        Crying
        Trying to figure out
        Where the hell I went wrong
        The pain reflected in this song
        Ain't even half of what
        I'm feeling inside
        I need you
        Need you back in my life baby

        [Chorus]

        [Repeat chorus]
        When you left
        I lost a part of me
        It's still so hard to believe
        Come back baby please
        We belong together
        Who else am I gonna lean on
        When times get rough
        Who's gonna talk to me
        Till the sun comes up
        Who's gonna take your place
        There ain't nobody better
        We belong together

How weird.  My moods are the weirdest things.  Like one minute I'll be totally comfortable and happy with how things are going, and then all of a sudden it'll change around.  Well it hasn't really changed around, but I'm talking to an ex-friend on MSN, and we might be hanging out tomorrow.  I dunno.  I was the one who brought it up, because JB is having a stocktake sale, and I know he absolutely loves JB, so therefore I thought of him.  He wants me to go out clubbing with him tonight, but I just don't see any thrill in clubbing anymore.  Even with Luke, he usually gets pissed off at some queen dancing or something or see's someone he recognises and doesn't like, and therefore doesn't enjoy himself.  I know it sounds like I'm becomming one of those old people who stay at home instead of going out and partying, but it's not that I'm lazy, I just don't see any point in it!  I mean I have been to the Beat that many times in the past that it just doesn't cut it for me anymore.  It's the same thing week after week - guys hitting on each other pretending to be nice so that they can get their dick in another 'hot' guys mouth or ass, never to be heard from again after the deed is done, some guys meeting up off the net for what might be a real friendship, really bad out-dated drag queens, good music and sound system (I'll give it some credit) and drugged-up queens, or bi's and straights out just for a head-job from an unexpecting fag thinking they actualyl like them.  You can see I have a lot of respect for gay clubbing can't you?  I know it's not always like that.  in fact I've met a few friends that I have today from clubbing there.  Mind you two of them tried to hit on me, and two of the succeeded at hitting on me.  okay okay I was young, well still am, but like 18, just able to get into the clubs, and i was so excited and enjoyed it so much.  I got used by a guy named Alex (who i met at the Wickham [which is another gay bar/club]), but he was damn hot so it was worth it.  I guess I have a bad side that comes out every so often.  I actually skipped church to go fuck him.  I've never heard from him since, but that was like nearly 3 years ago.  In that same club I got sandwhiched between two very unattractive guys (God that was bad but I guess I led them on by grinding my ass and crotch into them), got about 2 phone numbers, had a workmate's boyfriend hit on me and try to sleep with me (he got halfway there), and a drag queen give me my first sexual experience.  No thank God it wasn't actually AT the Wickham (although I'm sure it happens), but it was while I was trying to sleep at my workmate's place.  It sure was interesting trying to figure out who it was in the dark.  I thought it was my workmate's boyfriend, but alas, no.  Thank fuck he wasn't in drag when he did it.  That woulda freaked me out just a little lol.  Anyway I lost my point.  Typical gay guy huh, get sidetracked by talking about sex.  Oh well, that was like 2 years ago or something.  My workmate and his (still) boyfriend now live in Perth, and the drag queen, well who knows where he is, but last I heard he lived in Brisbane still.  I guess he had his fun.  I sure learnt a lot from him though, and he was funny as hell.  They were my first offer of drugs, but I refused every time the pot was offered to me.  Who knows what my life would be like if I'd actually accepted the offer.  I could even be addicted to the shit now, now that I think about it.  I guess friends come and go.  I'm actually glad it didn't continue.  I spoke to my workmate last year when I went over to Perth cos I knew where he worked so I went and saw him, but after the numerous threats from his boyfriend via SMS (I found it astonishing he still had my number), I decided to back off. My ex-workmate apologised for his bf's behaviour and we said our goodbyes.  I can't beleive he's with that twit.  He can do SO much better, but I guess doesn't have the self-esteem to do so.  I guess I'm lukcy to have stuck to the standards I wanted when after a boyfriend.  If I hadn't, I wouldn't be with Lukey.  He's still at work at the moment, I can't wait for him to get home.  Who knows where life will lead me next.  2 days off!  Woohoo!!  Then 5 more days, then my holidays start!!  Oh, what to do, what to do!  One thing I do have set in concrete, is I'm going to stay for a week in Toowoomba at Kristy's place.  I'm actually really looking forward to that one :)  She's so cool.  Although now that she's going out with Gordan, she might not have as much time for me.   i guess we'll have to talk it out.  Gosh I love her, she's so cool.

My friend James rang me last night.  James is so cool to talk to, and when I talk to him, I can talk to him for literally hours.  He's only 17, but really has his life on track.  I really respect him.  Like he's a good looking guy so I hear all his 'guy' stories lol, he knows how to treat his friends (that's why he has so many), he's intelligent so I always learn something every time I talk to him, and, this most of all, he listens.  Our phone conversations are interesting as in, I'm the quiet person generally on the phone, cos I've never been real sure of myself when talking on the phone.  I seem to be fine over the net and also mostly in person, but on the phone I get self-conscious, especially if someone else (besides the person I'm talking to) can hear what I'm saying.  Even if that person is Luke.  And our house is so small it's hard not to.  So I always feel bad because I'm on the phone instead of being with Lukey, and afraid I'll say something he doesn't want me to share, you know?  Anyway, my point, James (Jimmy) listens.  Although I'm a quiet person, and he can talk your ear off if he wants to, whatever little thing I do have to say, he listens to it.  Mainly I sit there and listen to him and occasionally say something small, or crack a joke here and there, but I really respect that.  I really respect him.  Also cos he's a country boy like Luke and I are.  He's from Dalby!  That's like an hour's drive from where I grew up, and where I've been a few times.  I remember the Red Rooster there, and my dad went in the exit and out the entrance haha, we had a good laugh about that cos he does it all the time whilst driving into fast-food restaurant carparks.

Anyway 2 days off.  Sale at JB tomorrow.  Might go and check it out once Lukey goes to work.  I think we get to sleep in together tomorrow.  I'm thinking that electric blanket I bought was very worthwhile, so warm in the mornings.  And it's great using each other's body heat to warm up if one of us goes to bed before the other.  Like Luke got up earlier this morning and came back to bed and he was shivering.  It was cold outside, and I was snug up in bed, so i simply swung my leg and arm over him and he nuzzled his face in the shape of my neck.  It really works, it's great.

Having a boyfriend.  Who ever thought it would be like this.  I've had boyfriends before, sure, but none like this.  None that actually feel like boyfriends.  None I can confide in and joke to about anything and everything.  He knows I keep a diary but elects not to read it out of respect for privacy.  He also apparently keeps a diary, and I also choose not to read it.  Some of you may even read it, who knows.  He's still figuring it out though.

Happy birthday to my wonderful friend Rachel, I must say, so happy birthday beautiful if you're reading this. Life is not scary when people like her are a part of it.

Scappell Corby - sighs, the poor girl.  She doesn't deserve the sentence.  She's terrified, she's confused, she's innocent?  I seem to think so.  It's certainly made me think twice next time about putting locks on my bags at the airport - that could've been me at the airport when i went to Perth last year.  Gosh Indonesian laws.  But Australia boycotting Indonesia for tourism?  The support for her here is incredible.  I still think she should be judged by Australian laws, not Indonesian.  Surely ours aren't as harsh.  Wow I actually took notice of a news story.  I guess you can't miss it, it's the front page of every paper and TV news broadcast. 

Take care guys, and have an awesome day!

-Matt

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

lol. James sounds just like the guy I'd totally fall in love in.

RYN: That's nice of you to say. Sad I won't be updating as often when I get back to Poona, though... have I expressed enough how much I hate the place? [Ness, Interrupted] 5/28/2005 8:39:07 AM

*fall in love with. [Ness, Interrupted] 5/28/2005 8:44:42 AM

Yeh I think she's innocent. Her sentence sucks. Totally supporting the Boycott Bali thing. [frangipani] 5/28/2005 10:07:34 PM

RYN: Yeah, 'slithering snake'... I added it in as a funny. I sort of discouraged poor old Matty by giggling at how slooooooooooow and ultra-careful he was being at first; I sort of knew the 'f*ck me. HARD' thing would spur his perverted mind into being a li'l rough.

And yeah, I'm leaving... next week, unfortunately. bleh. I'll miss you, too, mate. You're a sweet sort. [Ness, Interrupted] 5/29/2005 5:22:29 AM

James seems like a very good guy to be around and hang out with. He sounds cool.

I'm glad that you're happy with your life (Luke and what not) and I hope to achieve that little bit of happiness soon enough. Maybe we can talk online? I'm sure that'll be fun.

Anyways, I'm off to read your other entries.

Have a good day, and Luke is a good guy if he chooses not to read your diary.

James [xNO:TOLERANCE:4Ux] [p] 5/30/2005 7:47:27 AM

big hugs You are so sweet. Thank you so much for the note. You totally made my day. [Orange Blossom] 5/30/2005 11:28:25 AM

Last updated May 08, 2014