My life is a movie in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

My life is a movie - 5/21/2005

I don't have a song or a joke to put in this entry, which sucks, but I haven't updated in a few days, so need an excuse to.  Actually yeah I am going to make this an excuse for an entry haha.  I worked 9-7 today and got home and Luke's not home.  I wonder where he is... ah well.  I'm in a really good mood tonight for somer reason.  Maybe it's because it's the start of a new weekend now that my Saturday shift is over!  Woohoo!  And I got a lot done at work the past few days, very proud of myself.  I always feel so much better when I've accomplished something I've set my mind to.  SO much better.  Note to self - read back on that when you're bored Matt lol.  I'm sitting here listening to Kylie Minogue songs.  I've got like 120 off em lol.  God that woman is an absolute Legend.  She has done so much for the gay community and is just the best singer ever.  I've never been proud of an Australian singer before, but she takes the cake.  Her fans would be in the millions.  I'm sure her cancer will be gone in no time, and I so can't wait for her concert, even though it'll probably be put back by 6 months to a year.  It's funny, all her sold out concerts, I can just imagine all the queeny Kylie fans out there going 'Oh my GOD!  KYLIE!!!!!!!!' hahaha.  It's true!  I think it'll be the first concert I'll actually genuinely enjoy.  I know I will.  I know I'll be alone, but I'll try to put myself in a state of mind so that I'll enjoy it.  Just seeing that she's a reality and not a character in a video clip will be amazing enough for me.  I'd actually near consider her a diva.  Wow I'm rambling on a lot about kylie arent I?  Most of you other gays have probably not even heard of her! :)  You dunno what you're missing!  Love my Kylie haha.  Oh and Mandy Moore - she's so pretty.

Plans for tomorrow.  Hmmm probably my gorcery shopping and washing.  Was thinking of going up to Toowoomba to see my angel Kristy.  God I love that girl.  She's recently scored herself a man, who I've yet to approve, but she is SO happy and I am so happy to see her happy.  They sound like a match made in Heaven.  I told her he'll never match me though, and she's like, 'Too right honey!'  haha, I hope she's doing well.  I really wanna see her but the trip is so long and I just wanna relax, see how much I get done this weekend.  I might even go tomorrow, who knows how I'll feel.  I wonder where my boy is.  Oh well.  It's great just to have 2 days off, and I'm still on a high from how much work I got done today.  Oh and I set the alarm off trying to let a nightfill guy in, even though I'm probably not suppose to touch the door haha.  God it was loud, and I was half expecting to get yelled at for it, but I didn't, it's weird.  Now I'm paranoid I'll get pulled up for it next week, which I know it stupid cos there's no reason for me to.  i was just trying to be nice and let the guy in.  Ah well, stop being stupid Matt.  Enjoy your days off.  Haha see, there's the little voice inside my head talking to me.

You know, ever since I was younger, like 11 or so, I always thought my life was on film, as though someone was watching me, watching my every move.  Why?  Because my life seemed to be so weird, nothing seemed to ad up, and, even though it was stupid to think about, I could've sworn everyone in my life was part of a massive secret documentary of my life.  Imagine my surprise when 'The Truman Show" starring Jim Carrey was released.  My God, I love that move for so many reasons and I don't think I could ever get sick of it.  It seemed to describe my life perfectly, and "I" was Jim Carrey, and everyone was watching me.  Life is just so unreal, so spectacular, so confusing, so every-other-description-there-is.  I mean I had a perfectly good reasoning for it all too.  Even today I slightly consider the posibility.  Everything I do in life is being watched closely.  Even you guys on OD!  I caught you OUT!!  I KNEW IT!!  haha.  I know it's wild, but that was how I came to terms with how crazy everything was growing up.  Ever since I realised I was gay, things seemed to make more sense, the puzzle seemed to fit, and I am now the person I believe I am meant to be.  I mean it's funny isnt it - to a straight person, being straight isn't their main priority in life, but when you're a gay guy, you don't go through one day without thinking 'I'm gay", even if it's in the back of your head, it's always there.  I dunno maybe it's just me, maybe it's because I have a boyfriend, maybe it's cos my parents have no idea I even do and wish me to be straight one day.  I don't know.  That's the relationship I have with my parents.  I get along with them fine.  It's normal conversation as long as I stray from anything to do with my sexuality, which I guess basically is my life, it's who I am.  So obviously other than the conversations I have with my parents whenever I'm out there on the farm, I always leave feeling like, it was good ot see them, but silently depressed I couldn't be my true self.  God it's depressing sometimes, but I respect them more than anything in the world.  They don't like me being gay, I won't talk about it.  That's just how I am.  Even if I was allowed to, I wouldn't know what to say in fear of them verbally bashing me for it.  It's hard to explain but I hope I've made some sense, even to myself lol.  I guess I am a lot better off than some gay guys with the parental relationships.  I moved out before I came out.  I can imagine if I came out when I lived there, I would probably be in councelling or something.  But then again, when I lived at home i still wasn't completely sure.  Just jacking off to thought of hot guys at school.  Gosh I can even remember some of them to this day.  Silly me, I jsut dismissed it.  It didnt mean I was gay did it?  Then I met Sam.  The guy from Perth who made me realise my true self, and without him, life wouldn't be what it is today.  I love ya Sam, even though he doesn't read this.  Oh and My bestie Aaron.  He's straight and absolutely gorgeous as, but has always been there for me, not a care in the world, and the day I came out to him was the scariest of my life.  I was so scared I was gunna lose his friendship, but he's stuck by me.  i know he wishes deep down that I was straight, but he never pushes it you know?  I can joke around about a hot guy I see when we're hanging out or I can tell him he's totally hot as, and he just jokes around with me about it.  It's people like him who make the world a better place, that's all I can say.  He's my straight angel.  I'll never forget two things he said to me,

1/ "We are all inadequate in our own eyes" and

2/"If you were a girl, you'd be the perfect girlfriend."

Luke's convinced I have stronger feelings for him than I let on, cos of the way I used to constantly praise him.  It feels good to praise him.  I love him like I would a brother, and that's a close bond I never want to lose with him.  Luke has nothing to worry about, and I told him that, 1/ Aaron's straight, 2/He's got a girlfriend and 3/He's my best friend which I would never want to jeopardise in the first place.  He is SO happy now that he's with his girlfriend Amy, and I am So happy for him cos I used to see how depressed he got without one.

Enough of that anyway.  Luke and I had the most mindblowing sex last night.  I think we were both really worked up or something, and I'd gone to bed early while he worked out and had a shower.  Damn his body is getting so nice.  He asked me if it was okay if he woke me up when he came to bed, and he certainly did.  i was totally relaxed and to feel his warm body on mine was so contentful, and well, of course, one thing led to the next.  He is so amazing to me.  I seriously still can't believe he's a part of my life.  I seriously can't believe I LIVE with him, and I seriously can't believe that, come Monday, we will have been together for 5 months!  I think I might get him something special, but what, what to get..... he really is my life.  He cares for me so much and I care for him more than ever.  I guess I do have a pretty good life after all.  And I've done it all by myself.  How's THAT look for the camera's!  haha, take care guys. 

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

i love kylie minogue...i should have been born a gay guy, i swearrr. haha. i hope everything is okay with her cancer. :S and awww...i love you and luke! so cuteeee. i have no idea what you can get him b/c i've never really had a relationship that got to the gift giving stage...haha. xox luv yaaa

[[disco-lemonade]] 5/21/2005 9:15:57 AM

How do you figure that the world is watching you? Oddly enough I always get the feeling that I am invisible...but then again I live on a completely different plane than you. That...was a good movie. [Interpreter of Life] 5/21/2005 9:25:56 AM

I love your entries cause I always wanna hug the stuff out of you in the end. So just bear with me for a moment here... ::hugs the stuff out of you::

Right.

Kylie Minogue has breast cancer now, doesn't she? I love some of her songs.

Aand... thanks for your note. You're so... DAMN sweet! I'm jealous of Luke.

Fab shag? Woohoo! high fives you [Ness] 5/21/2005 10:33:17 AM

Kyelie <3 Listening now. And, I had mindblowing sex last night, too. ::high fives:: And, those oh-so-wonderful straight guys.... Almost makes me depressed sometimes... :-P --Matt [Matteo Al Monty] 5/21/2005 1:08:23 PM

Man, I really don't like Kylie, ha. A guy I waxed on Wednesday asked me what I thought about her cancer, I don't really care. How mean am I, lol. [frangipani] 5/22/2005 3:28:21 AM

It's funny how quickly Kylie's cancer was dealt with...like we found out last week i think? and then this week we hear surgery went well and she'll be fine. cancer always seems such a long, drawn-out recovery process...but i guess not always huh?:P

Glad to hear you're going good. Whens this concert again?:P You've mentioned it a few times,so I'm guessing it must be soon...ish?:P catch ya round! [dysfunctional_faerie] 5/22/2005 5:47:01 AM

Heyy Matt. I'm glad that you have a friend like Aaron. I wish that I too had a friend like that. He seems like a great guy to get along with and more importantly, have fun with and knowing that he won't judge you for who you are. Congrats on making it the 5 months. It really is an accomplishment.

Glad that you're happy,

James [xNO:TOLERANCE:4Ux] 5/30/2005 8:16:54 AM

Last updated May 08, 2014