La di da in Riverdale

It's not right but it's ok

So I am going through a big funk lately. But at least today I am doing a bit better. I'm greiving and missing my ex a bit.

Tonight last year at this time he came over to my old place and I had to kick him out it was the first time I saw his true colors mostly in person. He was berating me verbally and he scared me as he was telling me to "look him in the eyes" when he was talking to me and controlling shit like that. He could be really scary when he wanted to be. Change on a dime.

I remeber because I wrote about it. It is also around the time that I moved here and my dreaded estranged fathers bday.

It is also the four year anniversary of my old ex assaulting me and our breakup pretty much.

So May for me is a tough month a lot of memories and things to process grieve and sometimes my body reliving the pain grief terror I felt from it all that at the time I could not process could not allow myself to feel because I was too busy surviving it all.

I should be glad to be free but I'm not because my life is so empty lately. I feel lost no community no friends no real home no real anchor. No love. No work. No passion.

Eventually I can get some of those things going. But for me the most important thing is love. I didn't get enough growing up so I am always searching a "surrogate" dad really. True love and twisted love. I feel I need love to survive to thrive. Doing all of this for myself doesn't feel like enough. It feels Un natural without someone meaningful to share the wealth experience with. But unfortunately it's just not in the cards for me right now I guess. I know that I "should" love myself and do it for myself but a part of me also believes in life you should have a bond a partnership with someone. No one is an island. As stressful as I find relationships to be I think the right one can bring me back to life provide me that safety love compassion security. I don't wanna do it alone it feels empty lonely meaningless to me. I am just not one of those "career women" I guess. I want someone. I want someone to love need me desire me be there for me as I would to them. Start slow of course but that's what I want period you know? I know I would make a good girlfriend wife mother lover given the right person and bond. If I had the opportunity.

Anyways. I was out today thankfully at this workshop on how to create self help groups. I want to create one possibly. But it seems like a lot of work. I guess given the right frame of mind and right direction and purpose I could do it.

Tomm I meet w my employment counsellor. I am going to tell her I am interested in speaking and see what she says about joining their speakers bureau.

Otherwise I am still camping out in my living room. I have dared to venture into my spider infested room. No sign of George. I think I killed him but u can never be too sure. This is what I need a man for lol.

I'm talking to a guy right now who said back where he used to live he used to kill snakes for a living. Lol so that's a good thing. Maybe he can be my Mancho man.