Honesty is the best policy in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

Honesty is the Best Policy - 5/12/2005

        "Commitment" - Leann Rimes

What I'm lookin' for Is a love that's forever Someone who can capture my soul in a heartbeat And stay for all time What I'm prayin' for Is a match made in heaven Someone who will worship my body And still put his heart on the line Commitment Someone who'll go the distance I need somebody with staying power Who will make me go weak in the knees Commitment And everything that goes with it I need honor and love in my life from somebody Who's playin' for keeps What I'm searching for Is a man who'll stand by me Who will walk through the fire And be my flame in the night I won't settle for Less than what I deserve A friend and a lover who'll love me For the rest of my life Commitment Someone who'll go the distance I need somebody with staying power Who will make me go weak in the knees Commitment And everything that goes with it I need honor and love in my life from somebody Who's playin' for keeps Yeah I've had promises broken Three words left unspoken They just left me achin' for more But I've found temptation I won't be impatient There's one thing that's worth waitin' for Commitment And everything that goes with it I need honor and love in my life from somebody Who's playin' for keeps Commitment Someone who'll go the distance I need somebody with staying power Who will make me go weak in the knees Commitment And everything that goes with it I need honor and love in my life from somebody Who's playin' for keeps

Finally a new entry from me.  Gosh so much has happened I haven't even been able to keep up with my updating!  haha.  Okay start from last Saturday I guess.  I worked 9-7, which was a really good day cos I was worried we'd get a huge load, and it only ended up being 6 pallets, so we got all freezer done!  I have this annoying habit of rubbing my fingers over my bottom lip because my hands get so dry.  It's probably because of where I work, in sub-zero temperatures and back into room temperatures so quickly.  I've kinda gotten used to it though.  I'm kinda rushing this entry cos Luke wants me to go to bed and cuddle him.

After work on Saturday, I went home, showered, got dressed, had dinner, said goodbye to Lukey and took off to Toowoomba.  I got there around 11pmish I guess.  I stayed at my friend Kristy's house.  She's absolutely awesome!  We stayed up to some ridiculous hour talking, and she folded out the sofa for me to sleep on.  Her housemate Becka was home, but I didn't meet her, as she was in bed when I'd arrived, and left for work before I awoke.  Kristy made a note to tell me Becka wasn't sure if she should wake me cos I looked so cute sleeping there.  Awwwww, that made me feel all fuzzy inside.  I'm sure I'll meet her one day.  I mean if she's Kristy's housemate she HAS to be fun!  And I still haven't met Mandy yet either, John's housemate, who has 2 children, Jayden and Alex.  I've met her kids though!!  Luke was playing with them when I went to visit John a while ago.  He's so amazing with kids.  I guess it comes with having 8 younger brothers and sisters.

Sunday morning, I took off to go out to the farm.  My parents had no idea I was even in Toowoomba so I sent dad a message asking if he was home, and he said they had 11am church.  So I drove out to the farm anyway.  I wasn't sure what I wanted to do - whether I should just keep driving to Millmerran and see my grandma, or go straight to the farm.  Well I got to the turn-off to the farm and decided to go there.  I refueled out of dad's fuel tank for the farm machinery when I got there, and that covered my trip home later on too hehe.  I know I stole it, but my little bro does all the time I'm sure, plus mum never wants me to pay for it when I do want some anyway.  Strangely I didn't feel weird about it, and it's not like it wasn't locked or anything, I just knew where to get the keys haha.  So I walked into the house, as mum and dad don't seem to even lock it anymore.  I guess the severity of the burglar population is very slim in the middle of nowhere.  I noticed dad had a new laptop, which looked pretty snazzy.  Wow there's a word I haven't used in years!  I guess dad can afford to splurge now that all his children are out of home.  Anyway I rang my grandma from the house phone at my parents and he seemed happy to hear from me, and I asked her if it was okay if I came and saw her.  She said of course it was, so I headed out to the car, recovered my steps so that my parents wouldn't even know I was there, and took off to Millmerran.

I musta been at grandma's for at least a few hours.  It was so great to see her again.  She got very sick about 2 weeks ago and I got really scared, so seeing her was amazing cos she told me that had she not have been at the home, she wouldn't be alive today.  I figured I needed to see my grandma incase something did happen, and I would regret it probably for a very long time.  This grandma is on my mum's side, and I have a very different relationship with her than I do with the grandma on my dad's side.  Grandma on my mum's side is quite the rebel.  She rips the seniour citizens off!!  Go Gran! haha.  We talked about heaps, and how she got into a huge bitch-fight with one of the other (rude) oldies at the home.  That was amusing.  After I kissed grandma and made my way back toward the farm, I made a detour to the IGA to buy mum a mother's day present.  Grandma suggested a box of Cadbury Milk Tray's, so that's exactly what I got her.  It seems so different walking through the little IGA in Millmerran considering the size of the place I work at here in Brisbane.  It's just unreal that Millmerran was the place of my childhood.  I'm like, wow, where did it all go?  Now I'm here!  Moving to Brisbane was one of the most riskiest, yet amazing adventures I've ever experienced in my 21 years on this Earth.

I got out to the farm, and this time my parents were home.  I walked in and saw dad first and talked to him for a bit, then mum came out and I withdrew the Milk Tray from behind my back and handed her the gift.  She really appreciated it!  I told her I wasn't sure if she'd like chocolate and she said 'of course I like chocolate!!' haha, good ol mum, gotta love her.  A little while later I found out Brenden (my older bro) and his wife and kids were gunna be out!  That was a surprise cos I had only intended to see mum and dad.  So it was good to see him.  Not that much was said.  It's kind of depressing.  Conversations with my family have never been the same since I came out to them.  Like to the outside viewer, it would seem our conversations are normal, but to me it's like there's no "heart" in it, no zest like there used to be.  Probably because my parents are and will always be in denial that I'm gay.  I think they push it aside each time they see me and talk to me normally.  I really wish I could talk to them about it civally. As though it didn't matter.  I can't talk to them about Luke, my amazing boyfriend and how I live with him here in Taigum.  Gosh that sucks.  Luke pretty much is my life, and I can't talk about it, so what is there to talk about.  Work? Yeah how boring is that!  Sometimes I think that I'm going to put my OpenDiary address in as a part of my will, so that my parents can see the real me, AFTER I'm gone, If I go before them of course, cos anything can happen in this world.  My friend Mick (read a few posts back if you wanna know my history with him), rang me tonight and told me a friend of his's fiance committed suicide last night.  God that's scary.  People don't take it seriously and then it happens and there's nothing anyone can do about it.  I obviously don't know the guy, but the fact something like that happened within a kilometer or 2 of my home is kinda disturbing I guess.  I don't even know if my older bro knows I'm gay.  He probably does.

I left the farm at about 3, because Kristy and I had organised to take her back to Brisbane with me to stay for a few days!!!  So I picked her up again, and off we went!  Gosh it was so much fun having my favourite girl here.  I dunno what I'd do without her.  She just needed to get away from all the crap going on in Toowoomba and the stress of her life, so I provided that door for her.  I didn't even visit John when I was there.  i figured him and Katie needed to sort their stuff out, and I wasn't particulary happy with either of them anyway.  They are the main reason Kristy needed to get away.  We had a lot of fun, mainly talking to ridiculous hours of the morning and having msn conversations on each other's contact lists.  She had a fun talk with a guy named Jeff on mine, who I personally think is kind of a freak and he intimidates me a little, but I feel safe cos I'm in Australia and he's in the USA!  Thank GOD!  Kristy slept on the floor when she was here.  AA tiled floor mind you.  She seems to prefer the floor over the mattress I bought.  The thing is a little squeaky, but hey I can sleep on it fine!  Ah well, each to their own I guess. I was more concerned that she'd wake up with a cramp!   But I don't think she did!  During the time Kristy was here, some major stuff happened, mainly over msn.  Katie was online and Kristy and Katie's friendship was pretty much in the gutter.  I had told Katie to be completely honest if she was ever going to solve any of the shit she had caused on anyone, and she took my advice and had done exactly that, with John.  So her and John were talking again.  The thing that pissed me off and why I didnt visit them, was because when John was here, he told me they were cuddling.  Sure they felt like they needed to go back to their old ways to feel better, but I couldn't understand it.  They are suppose to be TALKING things out NOT cuddling each other.  I knew 'cuddling' meant more than that because the smile on John's face when he was here gave all away.  I'm not that stupid.  Sure enough I got it out of Katie that they were sleeping together.  Go figure.  Idiots.  Anyway I really shouldn't judge them, but I told her straight out that neither Luke NOR I thought that she and John were going to work.  Not the way she was handling it.  Anyway to cut a long story short, I convinced Katie to also talk to Kristy and try to revive their 17 year friendship, and after a fair bit of coaxing I managed to get Kristy to send a few bitchy emails to Katie.  I know they were bitchy but at least she was communicating.  Then they finally talked on MSN.  All it took was some honesty.  Honesty solved all the problems in the world, or at least it seems like it lately!! 

I had the strangest dream last night.  I can barely remember it, except I know there were 2 main characters, and you couldn't really make out who they were, but by the way they were acting and the circumstances, I knew they were me and Luke.  I was trying to keep some surprise from 'Luke' and I didn't want him to know what it was.  And he kept on subtly trying to find out what it was, to the point where he got really upset cos I wouldn't tell him.  my dream make absolutely no sense mind you.  And 'Luke' disappeared.  i was sad and confused I remember.  I remember sitting inside a raintank, which makes no sense, but i was sitting there thinking of where 'Luke' was.  And the day came when I had to unveil the surprise and there were all these people there and I was bawling my eyes out because the whole thing was for 'Luke' and he wasn't there to see what I made either gotten him or made for him.  It was a pretty big gift though I remember that, but I can't remember what it was!  Gosh it's annoying, but it's all I can recall right now as I type this.  Then I remember I was crying tears of saddness or quite some time, then I looked up and "Luke" was standing there in a doorway.  And I looked up and it's almost as though those tears of complete deep sadness and turned into happiness.  I then woke up, and this is the weirest thing - I was crying.  I was absolutely astonished and amazed because I didn't think that I could actually cry in reality while I was in slumber.  Luke was hugging me and asking me what was wrong.  Apparently he had gotten really worried during the night because, even though I was sound asleep, I was sobbing and crying.  Gosh it's certainly an experience I'll never forget.  I still can't believe it happened as I type this.  Some people at work explained that it's happened to them before, but as it's never happened to me specifically I was just amazed.  Waking up, from having my eyes closed, and my eyes being full of tears.  When I went to the bathroom, my eyes were just watery.  No redness, as my blue eyes usually show when I've been crying.  I'm still crying to figure that one out, talk about amazing.  Look I can't shut up about it haha.  People out there reading this are probably going, 'geeshus they are just tears!', but you know when you discover something radical?  Yeh something as simple as that was for me!

Sadly I had to take Kristy to the train station this morning.  She had to catch a train all the way to Goodna, which is at least an hour and a half trip.  She had a lot of stuff too!  She left her blanket and her water here, but I'm sure she'll be up again.  I was so thankful to Luke for allowing her to stay, cos I rang him in toowoomba before we left asking if it was okay and he was like 'sure!'.  I seriously do wonder sometimes whether I have the best boyfriend immaginable.  He's jsut so cool and open about everything.  I asked him last night, 'do you know I keep an online diary?' and he goes' yes' and I said, "Do you read it?" and he goes, "No" and I said, "I don't care if you read it, I was just wondering."  And he said, "No!  It's your diary, that's what diary's are for, to be kept private!"  I wouldn't be surprised if he does read it, just keeping it a secret from me and one day pouncing on me and making me look like a jackass haha.  He's amazing.

Oh since Luke is reading this (haha), I had an interesting conversation with Natasha at work today.  She was asking me if I'm going on the work Christmas Cruise in November this year and I was saying I would if I don't have to work on the night it's on, cos I'd finish at 7 and not be able to speed there in time to board at 7:30pm.  She was explaining a lot about what happened last year and somehow we got talking about guys and who we thought was hot in the store.  Of course I said Dan Ebert.  God he is the hottest thing, I seriously have trouble NOT looking at him whenever he's in view.  I said to Natasha that he was absolutely gorgeous.  She admitted she thought so too, and she's not one to admit who she likes.  Then we got onto talking about how I'll get drunk at the Christmas party (cos they'll be cheap drinks), and kiss Dan full-on on the lips and later on blame it all on the alcohol.  I came up with the idea myself and the more I think about it, the more i'm like 'DAYAMN! THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA!!!'  Of course we'd ahve to distract his girlfriend and my boyfriend while it happened, but hey hehehe.  God he's hot.  Then I said there was no way i could do that cos Lukey's my angel, but it's a fun idea hehehe.  Certainly make conversation at work the next day that's for sure hehehe.  Of and of course Dan would never be able to look at me again, but hey, the less he looks at me, the more I can perve on him without getting caught, right?  haha.  I also admitted to Tash that I thought Jesse was gorgeous too, but she didn't think so.  i guess she'd know his personality a lot more than me too I guess.  Damn there's some nice boys at my work though, makes work even more the merrier!!  It's like Kristy says, "look but don't touch." - who needs to touch when you can fantasise about whatever situation you want to?!  Well I've been out here for ages and Luke's probably asleep by now, but this is what happens when I can't find the time to type an entry!  I love OD, it's really grown on me lately!  Thanks heaps for all your notes guys, you're the best, it really brightens my day!  I'm off to cuddle my beautiful guy.

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

Oy, boy-o! I missed you!

Aww, you guys are just so sweet... all cuddly and cute and so damn Australian hot... sigh... [Ness] 5/11/2005 2:19:14 PM

hey... i missed you! Sounds like you've been fairly busy. That's annoying that your parents are in denial about your being gay. Crazy dream - I know I've had some interesting ones too, but nothing like where I was crying in the dream and woke up with my eyes wet. glad to hear all's going well for you. ttfn. ♥

[~Tiffany~] 5/11/2005 4:45:33 PM

That's really sad that your parents can't be open and honest with you and allow you to be open and honest about Luke. My mom and I went through that when I told her I was going to Australia because I was raised that sex before marriage was a no-no and she knew that it was definitely going to happen. But we have a better relationshp now. It's open and completely honest.

I'm glad you have Luke. [Orange Blossom] 5/11/2005 6:43:18 PM

@.@ WOW... that was a lot to read. I guess I got a bit fo my own medicine! I know what it's like to go through a friend's suicide... 'specially if I'm the one that feels responsible. It's quite the dilemma, but I live. And you surely had fun being here and there and... @.@... still a lot to read!! [chikinstukrakir] 5/12/2005 12:54:15 AM

hey...whoa that was a lot of life in one entry! nicely done!:P

good to hear that you're well. it's always hard when ppl are too judgemental to be honest about a situation...like ur parents not talking to you about luke and all. at least you handle it well though:). take care bub [dysfunctional_faerie] 5/12/2005 9:39:46 AM

i no this is an old entry but i find ur diary interesting ive always wantd a gay friend i spose ur as close 2 it as im gonna get atm but neways im bored waiting for my boy to get here & with the suicide thing 1 of my friends commited suicide when he & i were 12! i didnt even think of death at that age & he did it, it was a huge shock and still is. guess u dont realise it until it happens

much luv [miss_barbie] 7/4/2005 8:18:16 AM

Last updated May 08, 2014