Just some thoughts in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

just some thoughts - 4/2/2004

I have that many different thoughts in my mind these days I'm not sure what's real and what isn't anymore!  Work is so...well I dunno but it's not the best feeling, I really just wanna get out someday soon, I just don't have the guts.  I mean i did it once before when i moved here so maybe i'll do it around the same time again.  But I don't know if i'd wanna transfer or quit altogether and work somewhere else - or whether i'd stay there.  I guess it all depends on what it'll be like when my boss comes back (the one who was attacked a while back).

I feel like going out tonight, but as usual I have no-one to go out with.  It's so depressing.  I mean I do go out by myself a lot, but when I do I usually get myself into trouble or something.  I don't usually have a boring night - maybe to start with but I just love the music and really get into it.  Maybe that's what I need.  Or maybe i'll just stay here and have a boring night in.  All my housemates are out somewhere lol, but i know they'd be in places i'd find incredibly boring. 

The Australian Gospel Music Festival (www.agmf.com.au) is on next weekend in Toowoomba - i'm really looking forward to it.  I'm gunna have to spend it with some girls I know, and it'll be the first time since i came out to them so that'll be interesting.  I just don't want to be bored shitless and i'm going for the entire 3 days this time!  Hopefully it'll be fun.  One of my housemates is actually singing on Saturday night in a half-hour gig - she's quite an amazing singer/songwriter actually.  I'm really looking forward to seeing Rebecca St James, The Lads, Antiskeptic, Sounds Like Chicken, Half Way Out and Guy and Paulini.  I hope my best friend goes up for it - he did 2 years ago but i missed him.  I'll have to talk to his mum about it or something, maybe she's taking a group up this year or something.

It's only 15 days until I get on my flight to Perth!  I'm nervous yet excited about the flight because I've never been on one!  Always a first time for everything I guess :)  I feel I need to go to Perth for not only a holiday, but to get away from everything here in Brisbane - all the bad things and the confusing things I don't wanna deal with.  And I'm dying to meet my friend Sam.  He's gunna get the biggest hug in the world when I meet him.  It's like it's a dream coming true - to be meeting the internet friend who's helped you through absolutely every single thing in your life; who has been like a mentor to me.

Of course the major thing in my life, I'll admit, is Micheal.  I still don't know how he feels about me or even if he still likes me.  I just don't get why he asked me out in the first place if it's not what he wants.  I really just want to be there for him as a really close friend if he doesnt want anything further.  He's really the sweetest guy I've ever met.  I love hearing him talk and seeing him smile, and I still think about him all the time, even though we're not going out anymore.  It's like he's become a big part of my life in such a little amount of time.  I hope we get to hang out more.

I think I've been gaining a bit more of my faith back lately, which is a really good thing.  Because I've been scared I've been praying more, and noticing if anything happens.  Stuff usually does and I thank God for it, and the inner feeling is awesome.  At least I have someone to turn to when I'm at the lowest or lows (which i was on Tuesday/Wednesday) and it's so good.  Ever since I knew I was gay though my faith has been lower because I felt I let God down - but later on realised he's still right beside me helping me through this, despite what the hypocrits say.  And they wonder why ppl leave the church lol.  I have nothing against people who don't believe in God or people who are of another religion, sometimes I feel i don't blame them for their decision - it'd be easier that way! hehe.  But yeh when you've been raised like I have and seen the stuff I have, I have my reasons.  It's a touchy topic though hey.  And if you mix the two like i have in my life (not of my choice- homosexuality and religion) - you should see the sparks fly lol.

I'm trying to be a better friend to the friends I have.  There's no point in keeping to myself all the time, as much as an independant as I like to be at times, I've gotta make more of an effort and I want my friends to realise that if there's ever ANYTHING they need in life, that I'll be there for them.  All it takes is a phone call or an sms and I'll do what I can to be the friend i should be.

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

Your work sounds pretty crap. Why not pass round some references and get some offers and stuff first, then you can quit without being unemployed for a length of time. I would have asked you for a drink tonight (after my work finished) but it's too late now and I haven't got your mobile no. Actually I could use your mobile no. We are going out tomorrow night to me bro's party but if we leave we can [TheBlindArcher] 4/2/2004 8:18:34 AM

meet you in the city or something. It's pretty short notice, so maybe another weekend would be better but you have my numbers anyway [TheBlindArcher] 4/2/2004 8:19:24 AM

And I'd have to talk to you about the Michael thing. Maybe seeing as I'm a guy myself I can offer some insights into rel'ship troubles for once! STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN THOUGH [TheBlindArcher] 4/2/2004 8:20:38 AM

ryn: thank you so much! [Satans*Angel] 4/2/2004 1:51:21 PM

That's probably the best advice anyone will give you...stop putting yourself down.

-Andrew- 4/2/2004 8:12:00 PM

That's the great thing for us who believe in God. We'll always have someone to turn to and who cares about us. I'm part of the United Church of Christ. What about you?

~Daniel [dannyboy1505] 11/2/2005 12:22:39 PM

Last updated May 08, 2014