The Song Remains The Same. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

There seem to people who have an innate drive or desire to reinvent themselves. Always chasing something new, something exciting. Never content to be sitting still, in the same place whether physically or mentally. New hobby! New desire! New friend! New food! New band! New tattoo! New darmok!

That’s… not really me.

So when I talk about wanting change, it’s because it comes so difficultly for me. It is not my default state. My default state is consistency, stability. I’m a very good balancing cofactor to anyone who likes the comfort of “Well, Timmy is still Timmy.” Rather than wondering if my tendencies have changed.

I don’t know - do people who thrive on change do things gradually or suddenly?

Becoming a gymrat over a decade ago was both gradual and overnight. A switch flipped and suddenly there was another side of me.

We don’t really stop being the person we are or were. It’s like all the abilities you learn in an mmorpg. We add different talent trees. We gain a higher level of a skill. We gain a trait. We change a trait. Oh, you can try to morph a wizard into a melee brawler, but that doesn’t change that they’re a wizard.

This feels like a long quiet. If asked how I am or what I’m up to, I’d say “nothing, really.” That’s been the party line for about a year, yet it feels different. In the immediate moment, I’m a touch tired. (Woke up tired despite a rest day yesterday & good sleep, and hit the gym anyway.) A touch anxious, but it feels farther away. A year ago, I was desperate for any attention Tashy would give me.

Now it’s far more mundane. Sleep is normal. Food is normal, chocolate excess aside. Gymming is normal. Work is normal. Typical listlessness and boredom in quiet moments. Typical worry that I won’t enjoy my free time, but I’ve been like that in the past. I like mundane.

If there’s any difference, I was waiting for something to happen. As I’m not good at being a catalyst for myself. Now it’s just being. Oh sure, I’m still sharp enough to vary my patterns so I don’t bore myself to death with repetition. For now, I’m content to get a stretch of mundane until life happens.

Because when life happens, it is easier if you’ve had a stretch of forgetting about life.

(And here I’ve had the worry that my writing creativity would take a hit. But, I’ve been consistent in that worry. <3 )