Exile. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

Was reminded of a conversation I had with Cliff well over a decade ago. We were talking about how alone we feel. But he took issue with me. He pointed out how he had been categorically ostracized as a child, rejected. He asserted that it was not the world that rejected me, but I who rejected the world.

It really bleeds into a lot of my personality. I rant about being alone, yet I self-identify as being alone. I very rarely feel a part of any group, any community, any whole. I rarely totally relate to anyone, nor do I frequently feel related to by anyone else. Perhaps I feel so alone that I make myself alone.

Though, thinking further, a lot of it is an inherent distrust. To be even able to trust myself was a HUGE step for myself. To know I can deal with things as they come. If there's a single word to describe me over the course of my life, it would be scared. Scared. Scared is why I'm fearful. Scared is why I'm distrustful. Scared is why I feel alone. Scared is why I love cuddling and seek comfort so much. Scared is why I want to be coddled, even if it doesn't serve my long-term needs.

I really do wish I had the money for help.

Perspective isn't something I have a lot of. So caught up in the present that I can't entirely see how far I've come. I actually moved out before I turned 30. I pay my bills on time. I have no debt. I have two cats. I have regular bowel movements. These are all things that indicate a good quality of life. If I can separate my depression from my life, I may be able to make progress. I see this in other people. They talk of despair, and then I look at their life and I think to myself, "What is so bad about this life?" Which then makes me look similarly at my life.

Things aren't all that bad. I'm just depressed. My depression is separate from my life.