I'm ready for this week to be over. in Since OD is shutting down....

This is the last week of classes for me and I couldn't be happier. I am honestly so fucking sick of never getting enough sleep and never getting time for myself. I never have time for anything except work and school and it's really starting to get to me. My house is just not as clean anymore and I get so tired of it. I'm also sick of having dirty dishes, laundry and garbage sitting around because I never have the time or energy to deal with anything. I am also sick of eating fast food and having to down energy drinks just to get through the day.

I feel like this week is never going to end and what makes it worse is I have to work on Saturday which means I'm working 6 days a week again! I have to cover a shift for someone which is fine but I just hope that they understand that just because I won't have school anymore doesn't mean I plan on being there 50+ hours a week and they better not think they are going to just schedule me whatever! I have a feeling that it's going to happen because the new manager has gotten to the point where even when people tell her they can't work on a certain day, she schedules them for it anyway so they have to find their own replacement! I don't want my schedule to change, especially for awhile so that I can have a couple of weekends where I'm able to be completely free from work, school, and homework!

I am just completely burnt out. I love working and going to school but I get so stressed out that I debate on whether to go back to school in the Fall. I know I plan to at the end of the day but I just hope I can get my car loan paid down quite a bit over the summer and then I won't have to work as much next fall. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best I can and to pay my bills but I've spent months burning my candle at both ends and it's finally catching up to me. I am so sick of being at work all the time too. I understand that we are still short on people but that doesn't mean they should over work the ones that are still there!!

Oh, and I should get my paycheck today when I get there. She messed up the payroll so that's why we all had to get paper checks. We were scheduled to get paid on Friday which was 5 days ago so I'm pretty irritated that I've had to wait this long. There's a lot of things about my job that piss me off but having to wait several days for my paycheck really grinds my fucking gears! My cable bill is due tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to pay it and not end up with a late fee!

My Mother texted me yesterday to say my package showed up at my brothers house and I just told her to have him bring it by when he sees my car at my house. She asked me if I wanted my futon that's at their house and I said no. I don't want something that's been sitting in a house where there's been animals laying on it and smells like smoke!!! I do want my package and hopefully my brother will bring it because it's my new convertible bed that I've been wanting for quite awhile!!

I am just so fucking tired. I got to sleep probably around midnight last night but then woke up around 5 and have been up ever since. I have no idea why, probably just because I'm anxious to get this day over with but it's going to suck later when my tired really hits me and then I have to get an energy drink. I hate those fucking things but I've learned to deal with it because it gets me through the day. I just don't think it's good for me to drink them and then have to take Tylenol PM at night. Sometimes I can feel my heart pounding really hard and it scares me. I am just in desperate need of a fucking break. I've never been this sleep deprived, especially for months at a time and it's getting really fucking old.

I was talking to some guy on POF the other day for a little bit. I haven't heard from him since and it's kinda dissapointing because I thought he was decent looking and I wouldn't have minded meeting him so I'm not sure what happened. I posted a new ad on CL last night and there's only been one guy who has responded and we are currently still emailing back and forth. I'm not into finding a relationship but I want to put myself out there and see what could develop with someone. With school ending for a few months I'm going to have some free time (hopefully) and it would be nice to have someone to spend it with.

I never feel as lonely anymore. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm so busy and tired all the time or I've just convinced myself that I'm not but I don't have this overwhelming sense of lonely anymore. I realize now more than ever that I need to take some time to explore myself and do the stuff I've been meaning to do and even try new things. I plan to find out how much a gym membership is going to cost me next week and start going. Maybe not everyday at first but it's time to drop this fucking weight and feel good physically and mentally again. I've really let myself go because of my busy schedule and it's time to get it back. I don't think I'm as lonely since I've realized that it's better to be alone then chase people who don't care to be in my life anyways.

Don't get me wrong, I still have bouts of loneliness but my loneliness doesn't control me like it used to. I don't feel so worried about spending time with other people anymore and just don't care if I hear from people at all. If I hear from them great and if not, that's okay too. I know that I don't have any true friends and I never did and that's why I don't chase anyone anymore. No one deserves to be chased. I don't have anyone to chase me and I don't need to chase anyone either.

I've spent a lot of time thinking of my ex and I know that I'll never make the same mistakes in the future with trying to force shit, especially with someone who made it more than clear he didn't want a relationship and didn't care about me. I know he didn't care about me the way I wanted him to. He liked having someone with a low self esteem that would just put up with his shit and the only reason I did is because I couldn't find a replacement. I knew he treated me like shit. I knew it wasn't working. I knew that I wasn't in love with him and probably never was but I held on because I HAD NO ONE ELSE. I didn't have a MOM anymore and had no one else to look forward to ever seeing so I convinced myself that if i kept proving my love to him that he would start spending time with me and I'd get my love story. I knew very early on (after the first month) that I was sick of him not being around and could feel my interest in him going south but I kept hoping it would get better simply because I needed him. He was the reason why I didn't just completely give up and kill myself. I looked forward to contact with him. Even if it was just a fucking text saying Hi, it kept me going. I knew very early on he didn't really care about me in that way because he didn't even get the least bit jealous when I went out with my guy friends. He just didn't fucking care.

All I know is I just hope that someday I'll find the right guy or just a good person to be friends with that will make me understand that I needed to get my heart broke to realize just how much better I deserved. I just want to know that getting hurt by all the guys that I've dated will make sense one day. I also can't be with someone who's broken. I don't care to try and 'fix' someone again. I want someone who is ready to fall in love and wants to give it their all and see how great love can be and not hold back because they are afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid to get hurt too but because someone was unsure of their own feelings and didn't know what they wanted day to day, it broke me.

Some days I'm completely okay with being single so I can just do my own thing and not have to deal with someone either being too controlling and possessive or not giving a fuck at all and other times, I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who would treat me well and would be there for me but also give me room to breathe. I guess I understand my ex a lot now that I'm so busy. I get where he was coming from when he would go back and forth in wanting a relationship but also wanting to just be single. I completely understand it now. I couldn't then because I was so fucking sickening lonely and miserable and had nothing to occupy my time but now I see things a lot clearer.

I know that it would be nice to have friends at least. When I say friends, I mean people outside of co-workers. Me and that one girl are okay but I feel like both of us try way harder since we had our little fall out a couple of weeks ago. Like we both go out of our way to be nice to each other and shit. I just don't feel like we will ever be where we were. I really wish I had people to hang out with outside of work. I know that for the past few months there hasn't been time or energy for people outside of work but now it would be nice to find people to share experiences with.

Anyways, I have to get ready for my class. More later.