Solitude in Current Events

I’m not cut out to live with other people. I’ve concluded that I am the villain in this household with Toni. Okay, it’s not that bad but I developed pet peeves pretty quickly. Her psychologist gave her the gift of an excuse she will use from now and forever, she was diagnosed with adult ADHD. I don’t see it, I only see a stoner with airhead tendencies. Watching her be feeble with little things like unlocking a door grinds my gears. She can never remember which key to use on her keychain to unlock anything. She mixes dirty dishes with clean dishes in the dishwasher, which would be an honest mistake if it only happened once and if it wasn’t her who even used the machine. I hate the sound of spit and I hate the sound of people eating. Her teeth hit the fork every single time. Do people chew on forks? Is that a thing? I’ve been doing do the bulk of the grocery shopping, she is stoned when she wants to talk about bills and her ideas are so awful and leave me with the bulk of expenses. I’ve been working overtime, I’m down to full-time but I will be back to my part-time shifts soon enough. She eats all the snacks. I can’t keep up with the demand. I could on and on, I’ve got to get over it. I’m sick of my shit.

She walks around feeling sorry for herself still. That’s the big one. I don’t want to be around loser energy. I call it loser energy because when you get stuck while the world moves forward you fall behind like a big loser but at life. I am projecting with that one, I’ve been in that rut forever. She’s self-medicating, as her psychologist says. That is a problem for that industry, they want Toni to be medicating with their petro potions. Healthcare is stupidity on steroids. She lays around, stares into space and sighs and feels sorry for herself. I hate witnessing that. It’s an entire identity for her now, being miserable. Being a victim. She’s so close to that epiphany that it isn’t the content in her life that isn’t working it is the context. I don’t want her to wait until a midlife crisis to discover that one.

Literally, I could have a worse roommate. I do love this woman, she is my friend and I am trying to be there for her. We are in this together, whatever this situation is. I think what would help is if we spent more time apart. Our shift structures are very similar. She does get one day of the week off while I’m at work and vice versa. Sundays are my designated day for me time. I just don’t want to have to be mindful of someone else, I need time and space to myself. I go crazy. I just installed a shower caddy and I know Toni will ruin it. She will pull it down or something lol.

Out of nowhere, I became more dedicated to my fitness journey. My body is looking the best it has ever been and it happened pretty quick. Funny how that happens after I gained selfie control. I don’t care about my image the way I used to obsess over it. I transcended that, I suppose. I do have my issues with the mirror still. Dissociation, my imposter syndrome is not so bad anymore. I accepted my losses. I changed so much I couldn’t connect to people, places, and things the way I used to. They couldn’t connect to me either. I felt like a stranger in my life. I can’t even look in the mirror because it doesn’t feel like me. I will get over that eventually but I like it this way. I don’t have to be so driven to feel like I have to present well. I’m more comfortable in my skin than ever before. Minus the slight dissociation or whatever I can call that situation. I just look at what I need to and get out of the mirror.

My gut health is a lot better today after the cannabis tea Toni got for me to try. I do want to explore this some more. Stoners and potheads gross me out, those who make a personality out of it I mean. People are passionate about it. I can see why. To me, hemp does it all. It can feed us, heal us, clothe us, and much more. In the esoteric sciences weed is an extension of us, it makes us more human. Too bad I hate being high lol.

[TMI Warning]
I’ve been working on my orgasms. First of all, I once again relapsed and started watching porn again. Of all the things I quit this one is proving to be very difficult. I’ll have to commit to this harder. When I’m stressed, I call it a root chakra blockage, my body will react to the neverending orgasm without experiencing the actual orgasm. I can tell that there are so many different kinds, as I’m exploring my body and such. I don’t have to ejaculate and I know that I shouldn’t. My whole entire body gets charged up and has that neverending orgasm and it doesn’t feel like it will stop if I don’t ejaculate. This is an energy I am supposed to hang on to and use. I need to be more conscious about this.

On my last shift, I felt like a magnet. Not just literally as everybody appears to be magnetic but the three gentlemen that work in my store that are my eye candy all approached me with small talk, which was totally random and a treat lol. I’m so weird but a lot of things that cross my mind just come my way so I am trying to focus on things that I want and not things that I don’t want. I’m not saying I want anybody because I don’t. I’m self-partnered.

I need to start meditating also. I need to commit to that as well. I bought an oil infuser for myself yesterday. I’m allergic to scented candles and those scented waxes so I figured that two ingredients should be enough and it is. Aromatherapy? Yes please. I’m just using tea tree oil at the moment, I like it for no good reason.

This Toni always home situation is also annoying. She does leave to go for walks to smoke her blunts but that’s it. Whatever, I need to meditate and find better ways to decompress. I could be doing worse things to decompress. Toni is self-medicating with her weed and wine, she needs to smoke up before work at 7am which is insane to me. Of course, she now excuses herself by saying that she has ADHD and NEEDS IT. We are all self-medicating in our own way. Pain is not happening when we are high, drunk, sleeping around, binge eating, making that purchase, having that affair etc. We need to internalize, we need introspection. That is the journey I am on anyway. Everybody is trying to expand into fictions and it is making life more difficult and leaving them feeling a void. Blah, I shall go do something now.