Why am I so annoyed? in A day in the life...

For the past week or so I have been very moody and irritable and didn't know why. I saw my therapist today and she told me I seemed "off." We sat and talked and figured out two things: my antidepressant (Celexa) needed to be upped (I was started out on the lowest dose), and I am pissed at my husband. When I left the therapist's office I got lucky and my psychiatrist was walking out of someone else's office so she saw me for a few minutes and gave me a new prescription for the higher dose of Celexa. Now I have to figure out how to handle things with my husband.

Hubby has three daughters: Caity, who is 22, Michaela, who is 18, and Sera, who is 16. Obviously Caity is out of the house. She's married and has two kids. Michaela is 18 and is graduating on May 31. Being that she's 18 and will be graduating, the child support hubby pays her mom should be lowered once she graduates because Sera will be the only one left. So I keep asking hubby if he's called the division of the state's attorney's office that deals with his and his ex-wife's child support case and he always says yeah, but they haven't called me back. REALLY?? You've supposedly called at least half a dozen times and they haven't bothered to call you back even once? Bullshit. Then he tries telling me, "I think it's supposed to stay the same even after Michaela graduates." Uh, no it's not. You pay child support for the child(ren) who are under 18 and/or haven't graduated yet. My thoughts? He's already told his ex that he won't lower the child support. If that's true, he and I are going to have a serious problem.

He was harping on me yesterday about when I'm going to go back to work, and why can't I go back full time instead of part time, blah blah blah. You know what? SCREW YOU! My psychiatrist is releasing me to work PART TIME. Right now I am NOT able to handle full time work...especially since my medications are still being adjusted. It feels like what's more important to him is giving as much money as he can to his ex, hence the reason he wants me back at work full time, and screw my mental status. Hell, if I crack up again I can just go back to the hospital....no biggie. I am feeling really hurt right now and on the verge of tears.

I'm still exercising, but even that isn't helping my mood lately. Hopefully upping the Celexa will, but I still need to deal with this child support issue with hubby. It's hard to do because he gets very defensive very easily, especially when he knows he's been caught in a lie. It's hard being married to someone you love with all your heart, but that you can't trust because you've caught them in so many lies. What do you do? We've been to marital counseling with two different counselors, but each time the counselor told him to knock off this crap with his ex-wife he would refuse to go back.

At first I didn't get it. Hubby's ex not too long ago moved in with her VERY wealthy boyfriend. She has no bills to pay, no rent or mortgage, no car payment....yet she still wants all this child support money from hubby. But now I do get it....this is still her way of asserting control over him. In their marriage, she was the boss. She controlled everything he did and completely emasculated him, and it pretty much continues to this day. He hid it from me REALLY well before we got married. Boy, was I in for a surprise after the I Do's were exchanged.

Right now I'm not in the right frame of mind to make any decisions or even confront him....but sometimes I fantasize about getting this big settlement from the lawsuit and just walking away and starting over.

Oh, and then on Facebook today this friend of mine (Heather) posts this long rant about "just putting up with people on her Facebook friends list." One of her FB friends, and mine, is a girl (Jodi) we've known from back when we all chatted at a chat site called chathouse. Jodi was a drama queen, trouble starter, and big time chat whore. She carried on with several men she met on the site and engaged in lots and lots of cybering, phone sex, and the real thing. She was (and still is) married, but she lied and told everyone she wasn't. I know all this because she told me so herself. I also caught her in a ton of other lies as well (but none about me, as far as I know). Heather and I had no personal issues with her, so we were friendly with her when we were at chathouse because we found her amusing, and she was always really nice to us. But after chathouse went kaboom and everyone moved to Facebook, Heather and I and Jodi and I stayed friends and were on each other's friend list. Heather and I were close, even though we had never met in person. Then one day Jodi sends me a scathing private message about how she was obviously not considered "part of the gang" anymore, etc. I told her I had no freaking idea what she was talking about, that I still talked to her, so what the hell? Well, apparently Heather hadn't yet friended her and for some reason Jodi assumed I knew why. I had no idea that they weren't FB friends until Jodi sent me that message. I asked Heather about it and she said she didn't want to deal with the drama. I didn't tell Jodi what Heather said, I just told her that I didn't know what was going on but whatever it was, it was between her and Heather and I was not putting myself in the middle of it. Eventually Heather did add Jodi to her friend list, we all matured as the years passed, and life went on.

Anyway, so today after Heather writes her rant, she and Jodi exchanged messages to each other under it (where everyone can see them) about how awesome they think the other is, how much they have in common...it was a real love story.

Here's part of what Heather wrote:

"I've always hesitated unfriending people unless they're just flat out untrustworthy jerks (although I do actually have a handful on my friends list who are that way, but you know what they say about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer), but I don't really see a point in having a ton of people on my friends list who I just put up with."

So what I'm wondering is this....why the need to post this rant in the first place? And trust me, it was much longer than the little bit I just posted. If there are people on your friends list who you "just put up with," then just friggin' delete them! What does she want, people to beg her to keep them on her list? She's not the Heather I used to know, that's for sure. Oh well...-shrug- People do change. This whole post of hers just really took me by surprise...especially the love notes between her and Jodi. This just feels like high school (or junior high) to me...."Ha ha, Heather likes me better now!"

Why are my feelings hurt by this? Because I'm an idiot. Lately I have zero good feelings about myself. I want my life back....the one I had before I hopped on the crazy train. Sure there were highs and lows...but man, the highs were totally worth it! Well, almost. The bad things about the highs is that they made me hypersexual and I did things I shouldn't have. At least I'm not like that anymore, and I never want to be like that again. But I also just don't feel like me anymore...the me I used to be, the me that could handle just about anything and could do anything I set my mind to. Maybe once I start taking the higher dose of Celexa (which will be tomorrow) things will start to look up.

Man, am I having a pity party or what? Oh well....it does me good to come here and get it all out, even if I do sound like an immature, jealous, mentally fucked up person...lol.

Oh, I went to the gym last night and tried to run. Yeah, I could only do 2 1/2 minutes before my left shin was in agony. I really do need new running shoes and until I get them I'm going to have to stick to the elliptical and the stepper. That's okay...both of those machines burn more calories anyway. Oh, and I like the bikes too! I'm supposed to go tonight with my friend Janice and I'm just waiting on her to call me and let me know when she'll be there. I think she had to work late tonight, or she may be at her dad's house because her grandmother is there visiting from out of state.

I want a pet. I really, really, really want a pet. I'm getting to the point where hubby's not going to get a say in it. I live in this house too, and I always abide by his wishes. Maybe it's time he granted me one of my wishes. I want a pet! I won't get a cat since I know he hates them, and if I get a doggie I'll take care of it....but I was also thinking, maybe a bunny rabbit? Those can be housebroken too. I'd like one with big floppy ears :-)

Have you fallen asleep yet from boredom? Okay, I'll end your suffering. I hope you all had a great day and have a great evening. Much love...xoxo.