7w5d in The REAL Baby Journey!

I'm at this strange point where things are going well, I'm still nauseated and exhausted and oh so bloated yet I haven't had any real proof of this baby (beyond blood results - but I mean a little heartbeat :)) so I'm finding myself not overly attached yet. My sister made a comment about how much you can love something so small and who you've never met but I can't say I feel that yet.

It got me to thinking more about it. I think, given how many bad statistics I've read and how many doctors I've seen who've warned me and how much probability I have that things don't go well with this little one that I've build up a wall, protecting myself incase things do end up going poorly. While I am optimistic and relaxed and hopeful and letting whatever shall be, be, my sister's comment made me realize how I've keeping this experience at arm's length out of a self preservation instinct that it may all just disappear one day.

It almost feels like I'm 'borrowing' this little spirit. Like it's being lent to me for a certain length of time and I won't get to know how long that is. Could be 8 weeks, could be 20 weeks, could be 32 weeks, could be full term. I could miscarry, I could have preterm labor, I could lose the baby any number of ways...or I could have a happy, healthy, full term baby at the end. No one knows. Especially at this point, so early, before any ultrasounds, especially now no one knows. So while I'm so deeply happy to be pregnant, it isn't really real, you know?

I am finding my body changing and I'm hungry all.the.time, even when I'm deeply nauseous, but I think there is a fear that comes with pregnancy that can't really get grasped until you're here and you want so deeply to meet the little being that has thrown your body for a loop. But I know even once you delivery the fear doesn't go away and is just replaced by new fears like stranger danger and school shootings and car accidents. Apparently life as a parent involves a lot of learning to accept fear/nervousness and trusting the universe as much as you can.

I've been mum on my more 'public' PB since there is so little to talk about that doesn't relate back to my belly bean. I may put an entry out there soon just so people don't think I've fallen off the face of the planet but it will likely be light and fluffy. I'm hunkered down here for the most part, eager for Friday and my first ultrasound. Thank you, each and every one of you, for your support and notes on these last few entries. Your guidance and kindness are much appreciated :)