I need some help. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have made a lot of mistakes and treated people like shit. I spent the weekend thinking about it and realize that I need to get into counseling and find myself again. I know that people have done shit to me but I’m not a fucking saint either. I have spent a lot of time dwelling on how much people have hurt me, used me, taken me for granted, and lied to me but I know that I’ve done mine as well..

Last week I did something extremely foolish. I can’t talk about it as it’s still being blasted on social media pages but I take full responsibility for what happened. I have also done everything I can to make it right. I honestly feel awful and would give my right arm to go back and do things differently. I have had to change my number, block at least 70 people from social media, I have received death threats, threatening messages, have had my phone blown up all hours of the day and night and I’m now concerned for my safety as well as my child’s.

I will say that I have apologized profusely and have made it right but I’m still on the chopping block. I have had the most ugly things said about me and it really got me to thinking how in my whole life, everyone has gotten a different version of me and everyone has come into my life at different times and I truly am sorry for what I’ve done to people that didn’t deserve the shit I’ve done to them.

My anxiety is killer. I have literally chewed off the skin inside of my mouth, ripped off toenails and have been smoking like a fucking stove. I can’t just keep my daughter cooped up in the house day after day but I’m honestly concerned about someone starting shit with me in public or putting their hands on me in front of my kid and I have no babysitter if I end up in jail so I’ve been in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind with this.

I definitely didn’t think of the consequences before acting and this has definitely blown up bigger than I even thought about. I am sorry for what I did believe it or not and yes, I am sorry that I got blasted all over social media as well. I just thank God I’m not working right now and have to deal with the shit I would catch and not looking for a job with this hanging over me. I just wish I knew if and when this post is going to be taken down so that I can breathe a little bit and know it’ll blow over eventually. I also know that even months from now, I’m sure I’ll be confronted and asked about it.

I know that I haven’t always done the right thing or said the right thing and I definitely plan to try and make amends with everyone I’ve affected negatively. It’s just hard to do when no matter what I say, people are still coming after me full force. I would like to message the person I’ve fucked over but I know that’ll be posted as well and I don’t want to look like begging for the post to be removed.

Literally I don’t know how to go about getting her to take it down because if I message her, she’s just going to post our conversation again and give everyone more to attack me with and if I call the place she’s affilated with then that could make her more vengeful and still not remove it. I doubt the cops will help because I did this to myself and I’ve reported it to the social media sites and it won’t be removed so I’m just gonna completely go into hiding and hope someday she takes it down. I don’t feel that it’s fair for this bitch to get to decide to keep it up or take it down at her discretion. I just pray that even if it doesn’t get taken down, this shit is going to blow over and I’m going to be able to find a job.

My kid’s Dad was to babysit the day this happened and of course he didn’t because he won’t ever help if it’s doing me a favor so I have to pay for childcare and then he comes back at me with, “that was on you” uh okay so I shouldn’t ever plan to do anything for myself because you can’t do anything for my sake?!

He has truly made me extremely hateful and has brought out the absolute worst in me. I just don’t think I can keep trying to have him involved with our child because he makes it impossible. There’s no realistic way to get along with him no matter how hard I fucking try. I hold my tongue, when I do confront him on stuff I try so hard to be as decent as I can, I let him take her for as long as he wants, I’ve given him rides, I’ve taken the emotional/mental abuse, and shit never gets any better.

Anyways, I breathe a sigh of relief. All of it has been taken off social media. I am truly sorry for what I’ve done and best believe I would never think to do something like this again. I majorly fucked up and I knew I wasn’t doing the right thing and yes, I’m not sorry for getting caught as I needed a fucking wake up call and I’m glad it happened. It’s nice that the shit has been taken down because I was sitting here thinking about the fact that she may never remove it so my name, reputation, and my chances of getting a job are going to be destroyed for the rest of my life.

I will forever remember this girl and won’t forget what I did to her. I deserved everything I got and I spent the weekend thinking of how I’ve treated people and the bad things I’ve done. It’s time that I get some counseling and real help so that I can figure out what deep seeded issues I have and start working towards correcting them. I really need to find myself and start learning how to handle things better than what I do.