22 - 06.05.14 in Your Face

Twenty two days of work left.

Hammered by a disgusting migraine today. Loss of vision, numb hands and face, inability to speak clearly. It hit me at 8:30am, right at the time I am meant to start work. Mother fucker. Took my pills, took anti nausea medication, took more pills, took more anti nausea medication. Turned my computer screen off, spend plenty of time sitting with my head down and eyes shut, deep breathing, pinching the pressure point in my hand that is meant to help with migraines. None of it worked, and despite my best efforts, I had to go home just before noon, before I threw up everywhere. I had teared up plenty of times through the morning, and was bawling my eyes out walking down the two flights of stairs to get out to the car park. Bumped into my best work friend outside the door (she was down in the archive room). I was mortified, but she understood. I was upset because I don't have time for migraines, I tried really hard to push through it and I just couldn't.

Drove home, still crying. Got home and was suddenly freezing, and very scared of vomiting. I threw off my work clothes and jumped into pyjamas. Pulled my waste paper basket next to my bed and closed my eyes. Dozed off and on, thankfully didn't vomit. Isn't it ironic, after 12 years as a bulimic, I am so terrified of vomiting now. It's mostly a fear of vomiting into a toilet, even as a bulimic I avoided that as much as possible, vomiting into plastic bags at every change, into shrubs when available, and if I knew it was only going to be "light" vomit, into sinks with water running.

Woke up for good around 5pm when mother arrived home and slammed the door. She didn't know I was ill, but I find it so irritating living with noisy people when I am so insanely quiet myself.

Took me about an hour and a half to get myself into some clothes, the whole time dreaming of soft serve ice cream to settle my stomach. I'd only had a tub of yoghurt and a tea all day, and while I wasn't hungry, food was on my mind.

Went to McDonalds and got my ice cream, and my goodness, it tasted incredible.

Went to the supermarket and picked up two cans of corn (recent craving), a bottle of water and 2 cans of Dr Pepper. Reminder: Dr Pepper is a luxury item here that costs $2.50 per can in most places. Some supermarkets stock it in their New Zealand section, although the Dr Pepper is imported from the UK for that section. Makes perfect sense, right? Ha. Anyway, I got 2 cans for $1.75 each, and guzzled one when I got home. Mother had made some sort of beef stew, mashed potato, broccoli. I ate some, because I needed food, and I feel bad when she cooks a ton of stuff and we don't eat it. It was decent enough.

Now I am going back to bed, and telling myself that I couldn't help today being written off to a migraine. I can't fix it, so stop worrying about it. Yes, tomorrow will be very busy, but I'll get over it. I can only do my best.

I just need to keep focusing on each day. Tomorrow I am going back to the gym after work, then running to an electronics store to get a mother's day gift. Thursday I work, then I am going to visit my friend's new baby. Friday through Sunday I will be in Townsville, then back to work on Monday, at which point it will be TWENTY days left at work.

Just keep fucking going.