Dealing with death in Everyday life

My father died a week ago Sunday.

He'd been sick for a couple years, but the timing was a surprise -- my mom found him that morning, unresponsive. The first thing she did was call me; I'm still in shock and denial over it, to be honest.

The last year and a half of his life, we were not on good terms. This is, IMO, because of a female friend of his who caused a wedge between us. His nastiness also came to the fore in those final couple years; my mom said he told her he wished she would get hit by a bus. He would've been SOL had that happened, because my mom was his main caretaker. Not a very bright thing to say.

I have mixed feelings on his death. I'm glad he's no longer suffering and no longer in pain, but at the same time he was an unpleasant person (partly because of the pain, partly because he always was unpleasant, to an extent). My mother is relieved; after 36 years of marriage, she can finally come home without worrying about being berated for something silly. She is, of course, ad that her husband is gone. She is not sad that she won't have to deal with regular mental and psychological abuse.

Do I wish he could've been there to see me get married? Father children? Etc.? Yes. But the back end of that would have been dealing with the baggage that went along with him.

As my friend Jackie said to me, it'll hit me out of nowhere eventually. I'm awaiting that. I've been too busy so far to really sit and think about it. Today we spent time running errands (getting his name taken off the bank account, getting mine added on, etc.). I know it will hit me, though.