Blackout in Riverdale

Blackout

So the other night I had a guy come over id been seeing.

All was well pretty much until I got too drunk on an empty stomach blurted out something from my past and freaked him out to the point where he wanted to leave than I got really angry and started yelling at him and shoving him.

I don't remeber what I said or what really really happened completely but I feel all confused guilty hurt sad about it all.

I apologized to him and he told me he needs space to process it all.

I can't tell u how I feel. A part of me was hurt that he had such a bad reaction to what I said, another part angry and just sad I guess.

Than I know this sounds crazy but the vibes and energy in my apt sometimes makes me start feeling possessed. This is not the first time I have flipped out and kicked someone out in a horrible rage. It's my repressed anger I guess a bit as well as this damn depressing place at times.

I don't know how to feel about this guy or relationship anymore. I've told him stuff before and he was supportive so it wasn't a huge huge stretch to tell him what I did. His reaction was a bit off putting. I also don't know exactly what I said or did that he needs to process I wish he could have been more open and expressive w me than I could even figure out if what I did is bad enough to warrent such a horrible guilty and confused feeling. I don't remeber all the pieces really. His lack of communication doesn't help.

So I deleted his number. (As I do to control my impulse to text or call) in giving him space and in turn I feel like I am giving me space from what I did and to him and do I really like this guy.

I am like this because I know w my ex I said and did things I regretted and he made sure to tell me. I'd feel horribly guilty for a long time only for him to turn around and hurt me without a second thought or guilt really. I feel sort of punished. And if he does contact me I am going to ask him what it was he needed to process. If not I guess it wasn't meant to be. I see it like if someone truely cares they will stick it out through the hard parts. Try to work it out. If it's not meant to be the person will jet at the first sign of imperfectness.

Anyways I woke up from a dream about my ex where he called me Ns was yelling at me for getting him fired from his job and all this other stuff. All I can tell you is that it was a good dream. In the dream I hung up after saying a smug sorry.

I've been camping out in my living room after I saw this huge ass spider in my room. I'm terrified of spiders. Well I got a can of raid spider blaster and this spider was very smart. Hard to kill kept going on the ceiling and hard to reach places I wanted to keep an eye on it though even though i was terrified. I think I got it when I sprayed the raid directly on it it dropped into a pile of my fucking clothes though and I sprayed it again out of terror. And I have no clue now if it's dead. So I still won't go in there. I know I did spray it but I'm too scared to look through my clothes to see. Chances are it's risen from the dead!!! Ugh I feel like such a idiot for letting a spider take up residence in my own room. But I am just terrified more of the element of surprise now than anything. Not knowing if it's dead and where it is. I even put a towel under the door. Is feel even stupider if it was dead and I was still wimping out in my living room. Phobias suck!