"I feel like God is punishing me." in New Beginnings

My mom so often used to make that statement when random things would go wrong. It never really registered with me how she must have been feeling, but lately, I find myself relating to that sentiment.

That new faculty member hired to take my old position is just barely working out. I’ll refer to her as “Dr. Tedd.” So many times she calls me with a question about something basic she should understand. A while ago, she called me to ask if I had a solution to a particular workbook problem on closing journal entries. That problem was super easy, especially for an instructor. She has a PhD in accounting for crying out loud, she should have known the answer just by looking at it. As an analogy, it’d be akin to someone with a degree in math not being able to solve a multiplication problem. Just a few weeks ago, we were in between spring and summer semester. We’re allowed to use our leave time during this week if we like. I never have. For one, I like to save that time off for later in the year. Besides that, I like to prep for the next semester without feeling rushed and use that extra time to automate my courses as much as possible. For example, I’ll set the dates and times assignments will become available, so I don’t have to do so manually during the semester.

Dr. Tedd had only been here a semester, but she decided to take two days off at the very beginning of the week. One of the time saving tools we have available to us is to import course materials into the new semester’s course modules on Blackboard. For instance, I’m teaching ACCT 1105 this semester, but rather than having to recreate all my assignments, I can just import them from the ACCT 1105 course module from spring. While Dr. Tedd was out, I created an instruction sheet providing step-by-step instructions on how to do so. It had screen shots with numbered steps; I have no idea how else I could have made it more idiot proof.

What does she do? She somehow imports the materials into the wrong course, so I have to clean that up for her. Then come to find out, one of the courses she’s teaching doesn’t have a previous semester she can import from (she was teaching Payroll Accounting, so the materials get updated every year). I show her how to do it, but then technical problems ensue, and I have to do it for her myself. We went into the weekend before the first day of classes with her courses not ready. The entire time I’m thinking, “this is why you don’t take time off this week, especially if you’re new.” I was so frustrated, but then I think of how I was such a crap employee at my last job, and I wonder if this is some kind of divine comeuppance.

On the physical side of things, I’m still struggling with my shoulder. It’s shown only meager improvement, if any, since I last wrote. It’ll get to feeling fine, then I’ll try to mildly exercise it, and I’ll wake up in agony the following morning. I’ve only been able to go to the foundations classes at my jiu jitsu school. I worry I might have to give it up entirely if my shoulder doesn’t improve. That really makes my heart ache. I feel like I have this list of shame of things I didn’t see through. I would be so accomplished right now if I haven’t given up on certain pursuits because they became tedious, making time was inconvenient, or I was just too impatient. I’d be able to draw, play guitar, and do gymnastics among other things. If I quit, I’m going to have one more item on that list along with a pile of jiu jitsu gis and a 4 stripe blue belt in my closet as a constant reminder.

I went to a orthopedic specialist last week, and he prescribed to try some physical therapy. I don’t know what exercises the therapist will have me do. Maybe the solution is something obvious that I’m missing.

Related to my health, I’m developing the famed middle age spread. I’m weighing in at 220 lbs, up from 190 lbs prior to my knee surgery last year. My body looks somewhat comical, truth be told. Since I can’t really work my upper body or go to jiu jitsu, I’ve been doing a lot of elliptical running. I’ll do 30 minutes, start at maximum incline, and work from a resistance level of 3 to an 8 or 9 by the end. After that, my legs are on fire, and I’ll go do my lower body resistance training: barbell squats, deadlift, glute drive, and hamstring curls. Just yesterday, I was able to curl 115 lbs (combined) with my legs. I’m starting to look like a mutant human kangaroo hybrid. My legs are swole, but my chest and arms are becoming scrawny and flabby. I used to be able to do over 100 pushups, but now it’s an ordeal just to do the negative motion. Worst of all, I can’t get my mid section to trim. I’ll do 30 situps between my sets of squats and deadlifts (over 100 in total) to no visible benefit. I had worn 34 x 34 jeans/pants since high school. Just a few months ago, I had to buy some 36 x 34, and today I had to go purchase some 38 x 34. My abdomen just won’t respond to the effort.

I become so despondent, then I think of how little patience I had with my dad with his brain injury, how argued if he would just put in some effort, he would likely make some recovery. It’s like God is saying “So you think you can just exercise your way out of health problems? Well have at it.”

I really worry what this situation might mean as I get older. I accept that I’ll likely be alone in my senior years. I really, really don’t want to be physically dependent on others or incapable of being active. When the depression starts to bear down on me, I focus on not giving up. I was unemployed the recession from ‘09 to 12, and three years after, I had my own home with no mortgage. I lost my job at IMERYS because I wasn’t performing, and a year later I got this one where I’m thriving, goober-brained coworker notwithstanding. Perhaps life just has its own seasons. Before now, I my physical health was impeccable, but my career was anemic. Now my career is thriving, but my physical health is a battle. Going by that pattern, the next phase of my life is going to be awesome or a nightmare. In the mean time, I just have to keep making the best choices I can. Things can change with persistence, but they definitely won’t without it.

Last updated May 31, 2021