Saying No in Journal

I’ve read a lot about emotional intelligence, nonviolent communication, human needs in communication, psychology, therapy, virtue, philosophy, and secular ethics.
People need acknowledgement- being heard is a human need. But they also like sympathy. They like to be agreed with. They like to be supported in whatever it is that they’re doing or saying or thinking or feeling. These aren’t needs, but wants- and they are wants that reinforce or validate a narrative, attitude, or belief that may or not be true, valid, or even moral.
Some people are open to being disagreed with while still being acknowledged. These are reasonable people.
Most people are not at all open to being disagreed with. Especially if that disagreement is to do with a personal relationship.
Most people are not reasonable. Well- the vast majority. And I am speaking technically as there are more studies on this that I care to recall.
It is an exceedingly easy and simple thing to find out if someone is reasonable or not. It is so easy that it’s… well… it’s embarrassing. Because even reasonable people do not want to know that everyone around them is unreasonable. And yet the not wanting does not stop them, because they are at their core reasonable. A reasonable person will probably continue this questioning process until some level of closure is had. And then, they will stop questioning. They will accept the results of their experiment as valid. Being willing to subjugate oneself to reality, a reasonable person must accept that empirical data. Otherwise, they would not be reasonable.

Virtue is knowledge plus courage… Being reasonable is not easy. It is scary, and in many ways dangerous. It hurts to accept that our needs aren’t met, or that our needs are actively being turned against us to our shame and detriment. Our reliance on others can easily be manipulated. Our true defensive feelings can easily be demonized by the very people who prey upon us.
And so it is humiliating, it is terrifying, and it is utter desolation to question how our needs are being met or not being met by the people we rely on. And if we have no choice, that is death itself.

But if we do have choice. Well. Then that is soul suicide.

Last updated May 25, 2021