Unhealthy ties are now broken. in Since OD is shutting down....

After yesterday of being accused of "spying" on my parents and being told to kiss my Mom's ass, she had the nerve to text me this morning and ask if they can have their computer desk back. I would be happy to let them come get it as it's sat in my spare bedroom for a couple of years now and the only reason it's still here is because I don't have any help to drag it out to the dumpster but I told her no and then told her I'm not helping them in any way, shape, or form ever again and I wanted them to stop trying to contact me. If she contacts me again, I plan to just change my number. She just doesn't understand that I refuse to have unhealthy relationships with people where I have to be doing stuff for them to have or keep them in my life. I'm not going to be that person that just exists to people because it's a benefit to them.

I still haven't received my paycheck in either bank account so I'm going to ask about it today when I get to work and try to figure out what's going on. I'll have to call the bank tomorrow and see what's going on. It's making me freak out a little bit because there's no trace of it anywhere and it's stressing me out some. I am gonna try not to worry about it but it does concern me. Maybe they'll just give me a paper one when I get to work in a couple of hours.

Last night I turned my phone off before I went to bed and then this morning I woke up to a text from my boss asking me if I could work a double and go in at 10:30 this morning. Absolutely not. I don't want to do double shifts anymore because it's just not worth it. Plus, it wears me out for the next week and I have to start my week off extremely sluggish and grumpy because I'm wore out. I just don't want to do double shifts until school lets out and even then, it's just not something I want to do much anymore.

I really hope I can get a lot paid on my car over the summer so I won't have to work as much. Or so I can get into another job. I also worry about my car breaking down but I try to put that out of my head and just cross that bridge when I come to it.

It's been really nice getting to hang out at home, take a hot bath and getting plenty of sleep. I'm also sick of it being cold and fucking windy every damn day. It's May so it should start warming up! I am not a fan to cold/wintery conditions and after months of it, I'm ready to pull my fucking hair out. I hate any extreme temperature, especially cold because it's so miserable.

I'm excited to go to work and make money but it's so hard to go back after 2 and a half days of bliss. I'm happy to go and be around other human beings but I do get tired of that's the only time I ever really see or talk to anyone. I wish I had more of a social life where I had people I could actually consider as friends that cared about me. I still don't feel connected to anyone and still feeling pretty much alone. Things are better than they were but could be better.

I've allowed people to use me just because I felt that it would make me feel close to them but in reality, I've made it easy for people to shit on me. Sometimes I wonder if people see me as a human being with feelings instead of someone that they can use to make their lives better. I know that I've become more and more like other people instead of someone with a good heart. Most of the time I really don't care about other people's problems and actually tune out when people try to talk to me about anything I don't find interesting. I've learned that I don't care about people like I'm supposed to and when I do care, I care too much about the wrong people. I hope one day to get it right. I want things to start making sense in my relationships. I just feel so invisible and unimportant. I would like to find people who would love and care about me with good intentions but I just don't think I will.