Woke up on the wrong side in Phoenix Rises Again

I’m feeling like hell today. I miss Jay so much and I hate it because I know he isnt missing me. I’ve been overwhelmingly horny but I trust nobody with my body. I feel alone and lost. Im working my ass off here just to make rent and it’s insane. I have no energy. It’s just a bad day. I keep telling myself I’ll feel better tomorrow. I’ll get up and dust myself off and everything will be ok. But today is aweful. I’d give so much for a hug from Jay right now. Or to be able to kiss Wesley knowing that kiss would be wanted and reciprocated but it wouldnt be anyway. It’s his birthday. Shouldnt I be happy? I dont think he liked his present but I had to get him something until the real thing came in. I wish he wanted me. Sought out my company. It makes me feel so shit when I ask to come over and he jokingly says, “I guess so.” I know hes joking but it still hurts. I cant tell him that. I dont want him to think I’m fragile. So sad right now. Waiting for the shitty generic meds to kick in. Knowing there are things I should be doing but I dont have the energy for any of them. Cant focus. My body hurts. I wish I had someone to hold me and just fix it all, but nothing good ever comes easy.

Just hanging on. It’s just a bad day.