The trip in Stories to bide the time.

So I had my weekend this last weekend. Overall, I’d say it was beneficial.

My wife booked the hotel for me, and it looked really nice in the pictures, but when I got there it was pretty old and run down looking. Definitely more of a motel than a hotel. I signed all the paperwork and the guy was pretty insistent that there was no smoking of any kind in the hotel room, which I was totally fine with (not even cannabis, but I don’t mind going out and taking a walk to smoke), but when I got into the room it completely smelled like stale cigarette smoke…which really kind of bummed me out.

I was a smoker for a long time and I used to love the smell of cigarette smoke…the actual fresh smoke coming off of a cigarette (I don’t anymore) but I never NEVER ever liked the smell of stale cigarette smoke. I had this one class in highschool where I sat across from this kid who smoked the nastiest smelliest cigarettes in the world (I don’t know what they were) but ESPECIALLY when it was raining or snowing, he would come in to the classroom and sit across from me and his stench was unbearable. I can still smell it when I sit and think about it. Oh my god it was a weapon.

Anyway, I decided I could live with the stench. The bathroom was a little creepy, and the toilet was like…way too close to the wall. It was weird. And the toilet paper was a joke. And the towels were gross.

Haha…it was not the best hotel I’ve ever been in. I think if I do this again I’ll probably spring for a nicer room next time. I saved like $100 after taxes and everything, but looking back it may have been worth it to spend the extra money.

Anyway, I was really nervous. I ended up taking a walk and kind of like…talking myself into doing this. It was pretty bizarre. I’ve done a lot of drugs in my day, so I don’t know why I was so nervous this time…I dunno, I think a big part of it was just being away from my wife and son (the girls were with their dad).

Since the pandemic started I haven’t spent more than an hour or two away from my wife. So yeah…it was weird. She was only like ten minutes away, but it felt like a long way.

Anyway, I ended up eating everything I needed to eat, and once it started to kick in I felt okay. But I definitely spent a lot of time thinking about my family, and ways I could be a better husband, a better father, a better step father…just a better person all around. Not like I’m doing a terrible job or anything, but I got into this place of pure empathy where I could just see that there’s more I could be doing. I could stop being so grumpy, stop being so tired, stop using being tired as an excuse for being grumpy, go out of my way more to show love and affection to everyone…stuff like that.

Somewhere around 2:30 am I started feeling really tired and drained, and I couldn’t sleep or get comfortable, and it was really bad. The comedown on this one was really hard. I didn’t sleep at all that night, I just stayed up in the dark, letting the hours slip by until the sun came up.

I finally started drinking a little bit to try and calm down and slept for about an hour somewhere around 1:30 PM

But then I was super emotional. I was watching tv and just crying at fucking everything. There was some Under Cover Boss marathon on, and I would just sit and cry at the end when the boss would tell people how great they are and give them all of these things to make their life better.

I cried at this diabetes commercial where this kid was talking about how great his uncle is and how proud he is of him for how well he’s handled his diabetes with this new medicine, and then the kid made the game winning shot in this basketball game and his uncle was so proud of him…haha, I just lost it and started crying.

I’ve actually kind of been crying a lot since saturday.
I’ve been microdosing mushrooms since Saturday and I think that probably has a lot to do with it. Just opening me up emotionally. I forced myself not to feel things, not to express myself, for so long now…just be the silent rock for my family. And I guess the floodgates have opened.

It’s probably a good thing.

Anyway, on Saturday I went to this sandwhich shop my wife recommended called Cheba Hut, and it’s just all of these weed themed sandwiches, haha. It was really good. I ended up picking up another couple of sandwiches to bring home for her and I on Sunday.

And then Sunday was the end of our bread eating days…we went and bought a couple of Paleo books last night and went grocery shopping and just got a bunch of meats and whole foods. We’ve been eating out A LOT since the pandemic started and we’ve been so tired dealing with the girls being out of school and then a new baby…and it’s just been so easy to go and pick something up and bring it home. And now we both feel fat and out of shape (We were in such good shape before these lockdowns) so it’s time to get back into it. Be more mindful of what we eat and exercising and all of that. So that’s exciting. We’re not doing “Perfect Paleo” to begin with…we’re still using grass-fed butter, and we have some grains and beans that we’re going to finish off, but after they’re gone we’re not buying anymore. So yeah, we’re easing into it. I think that’s the best way to do it. I think if we just jumped in full force we would burn out.

So yeah…that’s my update.

I guess it was a little bit of a ramble.
I dunno…my brain has been all over the place today. I’ve had a hard time concentrating at work.
But I wanted to come and actually reply to some comments (which I haven’t done in a while) and just kind of give everyone an update because I think at least a handful of you may have been a little worried for me.

So yeah…I think I’m going to do another little trip in August, but probably come home Saturday instead of Sunday. I think this was beneficial. I think Taryn has noticed that I came back a little bit happier as well, so that’s good.

I have no fucking idea what I’m doing in life. At all.
But I’m doing it.
And I guess I’m killing it.
So yeah.
Thanks for taking the time out of your day to listen to me.
It really means a lot to me.
You’re amazing and I love you and I hope you’re having a great day.
I’ll talk to you soon.
- Dane