Sleeplessness. in Since OD is shutting down....

It was another week of doing a lot and not getting enough sleep. I had to stay late every night and pick up co-workers before work and then take them home. I am just exhausted and plan to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the evening. I was off last night but spent 5 hours sitting in my car watching my friend hook up new front speakers and try to figure out why my cd player wouldn't go off when you turned the car off. It sucked because I was cold and it sucked because he couldn't figure it out and I had to drive home with no radio at all. He was able to fix it earlier today and I am so grateful. I also went to Walmart for groceries, some toiletries and a Sodastream. I've been wanting one for so long and finally spent the money for one. I was supposed to buy one yesterday from some lady but she was being really shady so I decided that if I am going to spend a chunk of money then I might as well buy one brand new and not have to worry about getting ripped off. I have a feeling that the one she was going to sell me didn't work and that's why she backed out and wouldn't meet me.

I'm excited about next week because it's the last week of school. I can't wait for school to be out so I don't have to worry about going anymore and having homework. I just hope I pass my finals and do okay. I'm sure that I will but I still worry. I am so excited about being able to just concentrate on making money and getting a lot more sleep than I've gotten in the past several months. I knew that working and going to school would be stressful but I didn't think it would be this overwhelming. I hope that next semester won't be as bad. I don't mind being busy all the time but not getting enough sleep really starts to get to me. I always get annoyed when I have to do extra shit because then it takes time away from me getting to just hang out at home or even lay down for 20 minutes.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about love and relationships and I'm beginning to think that I will more than likely never find what I'm looking for. I don't think I'll ever find someone who will care about spending time with me or won't talk to me like I'm just an annoyance so as of now, I'm giving up. I have a co-worker that's always trying to play matchmaker for me but I just don't think there's anyone who's interested in anything more than a friend with benefits. I am extremely lonely and just don't understand why I can't find someone great but it's just not in plans. I got dealt a really shitty hand and it's really hard to not get depressed about it. I don't know why I have to be alone. I feel like I'm being punished. I've never had any guy be that nice to me or make me feel like they gave any kind of a real fuck about me and I think that's always been my fault. I forget that just because I'm very kind hearted and just want to love someone, I forget that most people don't have the same intentions. I just worry about never having a partner and being used/taken for granted for the rest of my life because I have no one to protect me. I wonder if I will ever get my love story but most of the time, I just try to get through the day and hope God will put someone in my life that will want to marry me and I could be happy.

I work tomorrow afternoon so that means I'm going to sleep in. I saw my parents earlier by their house and they told my little brother and he started texting me accusing me of "spying" on them and it blew up into something it didn't need to so I had to block their phone numbers. No surprise there. I just wish they would forget that I'm even in existence. I'm so tired of every time there's contact with them it's always drama and negative. My Mom told me that I'm just a hateful person and that I should kiss her ass. Um okay well any normal person would be probably get pissed about that too. I honestly just want them to leave me alone. I don't think there's anything left to say and I believe the situation is beyond repair. I have to keep my distance from them to avoid their negative shit or them trying to suck off of my bank account. It sucks that it has to be this way but honestly at the end of the day, I know that I'm better off without them being in my life. I've always hated my Dad for the shit he's done to me and I have no interest in seeing or speaking to him again and my Mom, well she's a stupid bitch that has chosen to take care of a deadbeat that couldn't care less about her and just likes her paychecks. She's fucking crazy, manipulative, mean and loves to play the victim in every situation instead of taking any account for anything she does. I don't need them for anything and I'm perfectly fine without them. I am just never going to forgive how much they've used me and took advantage of my giving nature or any of the shit my Dad has done to any of us kids and I think it's best if we just go our separate ways.

I'm just lounging in my pajamas watching a movie and planning an early bedtime. I feel like I'm never going to catch up on sleep. I hate being so fucking tired all the time. I'm also annoyed that my co-worker told me that her husband said he would look at my radio thing and then I couldn't get ahold of her but I know if I say anything about it, I'll be the bad guy and I don't want to fight with her again at work because we just started talking again and I ain't trying to deal with the whole awkward shit at work again. I'm just so tired of having no one to rely on ever. Gets old. It gets more old knowing that if I say anything, it turns into a big fight instead of working it out. Oh well.

I plan to get a gym membership pretty soon. I need to start working out to relieve stress and start losing weight. I can't stand how heavy I am and I need to start doing something about it. I want to get healthy again. Now that I'm learning to like myself again, I want to feel better physically.