On Oatmeal. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I have an expression: Any nutritional regimen that doesn’t allow oatmeal makes me skeptical.

I think we can all agree that food that looks like food or is otherwise closer to “food in nature” is probably a preferable choice. Vegans will fight me, but an overly processed “black bean burger” makes me roll my eyes. Give me a quarter pound of meat with a side of black beans. Actual black beans. I LIKE BLACK BEANS! Black beans should look like black beans.

Check the ingredients on your morning oatmeal. There’s one: Oats.

Whether you choose to have oatmeal in the morning is up to you, but you can’t argue that oatmeal is good for you.

Ah, keto. Even if the science of “it’ll make you drop bodyfat!” is sound, the execution makes me scratch my head. It’s worse than oatmeal being barred because IT HAS TEH CARBS. (Complex carbohydrates, not simple sugars, mind you.) Some vegetables are discouraged because, you guessed it, THEY HAVE TEH CARBS.

lmgtfy: “A person may wish to avoid starchy vegetables, such as beets, potatoes, and sweetcorn.”

I get that potatos are high in carbs. So what? I once made fresh burgers and steak-cut fries. (Well, technically baked, but whatever.) Small child had so many she soooo had a carb-coma afterwards. But saying potatos are bad? Potatos are level 5 vegan!

To be clear: I’m talking actual potatos, with the only processing being slicing and seasoning. Did you know that McDonald’s fries are coated in dextrose? That’s right. Sugar.

If I’m going to have something sugary, at least hand me a Cadbury chocolate bar. We KNOW that’s sugary. <3

Moving on.

Paleo doesn’t allow oats, either. Granted, keto doesn’t allow this next item, either, but. Paleo doesn’t allow bread. Or rice. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. No grilled cheese? No french toast? OH WAIT. Paleo doesn’t allow dairy, either.

And no dairy! I can go a day at most without milk. After a day, I get severe cravings. I AM LACTOSE DEPENDENT. Fake milk? I know that modern milk is also processed, but these processed SUBSTITUTES. Um. I’m not even sure what to say. If I want milk, I want MILK. It’s like the difference between actual grapes and whatever is in Dimetapp. (I actually like the flavor of Dimetapp. But if I want grapes, I want actual GRAPES.)

Funny, I’m normally teasing vegans. At least vegans are pro-banana. Fructose intake be damned, I’d like to see someone who got unhealthy eating too many apples.

To be clear, veganism is more a lifestyle, not a nutritional plan. We don’t NEED meat; plenty of days I randomly don’t have meat in my diet scheme. But remember, vegans can eat oatmeal.

“But, Timmy™. How should we eat?”

As my Grandma used to say: All things in moderation. I add the caveat: Including moderation.

Assembling a dinner plate is pretty easy. Whether it’s three dishes or one, I look for a protein, carbs, and vegetables. You can’t go wrong. And remember: protein doesn’t need to be meat. Hot dogs with corn? Sandwich with a pickle? Italian chicken, stuffing, and green beans? Chicken noodle soup?

As for dropping bodyfat, I say it comes down to eating less and moving more. Keto and other restrictive diets simply make it difficult to overeat. (I’m among the few that don’t care for bacon.) If you’ve never tried it, track your calories for a week. Don’t game it - just eat what you’d normally eat. This will give you a baseline. i know offhand that one serving of oatmeal, one cup of milk, and one “serving” of Cadbury chocolate are all roughly 150 calories.

[To be clear, given a plate of pork chops, mac and cheese, and carrots, it’s obvious which you should reduce in quantity if you want to ease up calories. That is, flat-out eliminating or overly restricting carbs, well. I wouldn’t recommend it.]

(Once you start looking at labels, well. Hard to stop. Eggs are roughly 75 calories per. Cottage cheese has macros of 5c/5f/13p - fantastic healthy snack. Tablespoon of butter is 100 calories. Cheese is around 50-75 calories. Bread is around 100 calories, depending. Can of tuna has 24p, and roughly 110 calories. Hot sauce has zero calories.....)