The Cruelty of Free Will in A Childhood Lost

My relationship with Free Will has always been one of mistrust or perhaps disbelief.
My middle school counselor told me “I really thought you were lying. I’m not sure why.” I didn’t respond, but I knew that she was just being honest. I appreciated her honesty, but also I hated that she ignored the problems of the children in her care. I really hated almost every adult I ever met. They were all the same. Concerned about themselves, how they came across, and careless of their actual responsibilities.
Anyways, I wondered to myself even at that tender age “why do I act as if I’m lying, even when I’m not?” and sometimes, even especially if I’m not.
I wondered why I ignored people when it clearly wasn’t good or advantageous to ignore them. I did not want to do these things. I also couldn’t stop doing these things.
I understood back then that I did not want to act this way. I knew that I wanted to be forthright, to tell the truth boldly, and to be taken seriously. But that was not how I acted. And, I only became aware of how I acted after the fact. I couldn’t change even if I wanted to. And, I did want to.
So how does this fit in with Free Will?
My experience of myself and of my own behavior was the antithesis to Free Will. I did not decide how to act. I didn’t choose how to respond or how to behave. It was like I was trapped- both by the outer world, and in my inner world. I was tormented by the knowledge of having a higher standard and by my utter lack of ability to act.

I know now that this behavior was an unconscious defense against my helplessness in the world. I was taught and forced to be helpless. I was helpless, as we all are as children, but more than that, it was made certain and very clear to me that no matter what, I can do nothing to change my circumstances. This foundational belief was of course the mantra of my mother and to a lesser extent my father. They were helpless to their histories of abuse, and so they must imprint upon me the helpless and powerlessness of the victim mentality.
It is nothing but a virus that spreads through toxic personality transference. And, it is only a virus. Once, it ruled my life. It almost had me convinced that Free Will was a joke.

But, I’ve proven that it’s not a joke.
And maybe that’s why I am so scared to be taken seriously.