Happiness's Revenge. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

It just hit me that it’s almost a year since my Wife bought me a guitar. I was so happy that I hugged my Wife and cried. Pure ecstatic joy and elation. I haven’t hat that high of a positive emotion since.

Then a week later, she suddenly left me.

I remember taking the guitar out and plucking. Admiring her. She made me happy.

But after my Wife left me and moved out, I stopped practicing shortly after. I don’t think it was a conscious decision.

I feel regret that I didn’t take this past year to learn to play.

I feel the pain of knowing how happy my Wife makes me, and the sadness that she won’t take me back.

Maybe I could still learn, and reassociate the guitar into something else. Don’t see myself trying to sell her - her absence would make me sad. Meeeeh.

I know there is no timeframe to exact date that you function more nominally after a break-up. But, coming up on a year of our anti-verssary, I do have those stray doubts that I may never fully recover. At least now I’m at a point that I no longer tell her daily that I love her. There is fighting for the one you love, and then there is desperation that ends up hurting us both.

I’ve also made the decision a few months ago that I need to get myself together mentally and lifewise so that I can date. I have no desire to date right now - it is more that if I’m marketable, my life will be better, so to speak. (Wife has been seeing someone else since September.)

I’ve never had a break-up effect me so hard, and for so long. My moods have mehs and downs, but at least today I’m not at critical.

Meh. Talking about my feelings gets annoying and repetitive. If I ask myself “am I depressed today?” I end up making myself depressed. Nonspecific anxiety is a pain. Almost easier when I get sad about something specific, as I thought of Wife earlier today and cried. Felt a little better for a bit. Alas, writing this out hasn’t helped much.