God, I need your help again. in Phoenix Rises Again

It’s me, Phoenix. I know I’m here for a reason. I know I’m supposed to be making a difference. But.. am I doing it right?

So heres this guy… with a bad past. Hes probably lieing about everything. Hes probably manipulating my emotions. Hes probably bad news. But also… I went to seek the ones who were trapped in the dark. I went to help. So here he is. Maybe he’s why I am here? Or maybe I’m walking into a shitstorm.

Maybe he’ll drain me until I cant stand it and I lose all empathy for him. Maybe I will destroy him. I dont want to destroy people. I want to help people. I know I could probably help, if he let’s me… but i said the same thing about so many others only to have it all end terribly.

What do I do God? Should I run from him, seeing the red flags? Or should I take the bull by the horns and don my natural healing gifts? I dont know what the right thing to do is.

I wish I could ask Jay for advice.

Why do I always go back to Jay in my head?
Why is it always him that I want to talk to?
Especially when I cant.
Miss you, old friend.
Miss you like lead in my stomach and acid in my eyes, miss you like my knees being shattered with a bat, miss you like the sun that only rises when the world sleeps, miss you like dreams of rain in a dessert, miss you like a claw scraping my liver clean, miss you like finally catching a star in your hands only to be vaporized by it, miss you like a shattered glass doll that can never be whole again, miss you like a tainted childhood that can never again be innocent. Parched. Broken. But still strong enough to know exactly what I’m missing.

I bet you love every second of it too.