Unsettled in 2014

My first entry on PB with my phone. We'll see how far I get into it before I am too frustrated to continue.

Today was a bad day. Ian did not do well with the potty even after a great day yesterday. Part of me just wants to give up because I feel like even though he is physically ready, he just doesn't want to and I can't force him and I am spending half my day sitting on the bathroom floor and for what? That was my frustrated ramble.

And today out of nowhere Scott sends me a text asking questions to me about my sexual feelings and said he just can't understand how we can go without having sex. I can. Because he does very little to pour into me. I don't know the exact number of times that I have come to him and said I don't feel validated in our relationship in the last couple of months, but he knows I said it because he acknowledged it, and yet has done next to nothing to show me that I am important to him. Little things would go a long way. So to sum it up, it's exhausting being his wife sometimes. You know the four love languages? Well he's equal parts all four and so I have to work at all 4 a the time go keep him assured and validated. He doesn't even know what mine are and doesn't care to find out either. The more I get nothing from him the more I am reminded of things I have asked him over the years and even very recently to do for me, or even things I need that as my husband he fails to follow through on, but he for damn sure gets the things he wants/needs. Ok that part of my rant is over.

Later in the day I text Scott to let him know that I didn't want to cook dinner (because our dishwasher was broken) and because I am going to be busy this weekend that I wanted to take the kids to toys r us to spend the money his uncle had sent for them. He told me we could, but that he had to go to his dad's first to baby sit his mom. Literally sit with her so he could go out and get a break. I understand why he needs it, but this was my biggest concern with he moving here, that Scott would again be put in these situations, and it would interfere with our life as a family. It was one of the biggest reasons we moved here. To be on our own and separate from the obligations my family enforced on us, and now here we are again. It's the second time this week and She's only been here 4 days. I hope that validates my concern, but I still feel like a jerk for being irritates by it. We did take the kids to the store though, just too late for them to come home and get to play with their toys tonight.

And tomorrow is the first night of my Women's Conference. I am excited, but there is this very familiar overwhelming ball of insecurities washing over me. I am seeing posts on Facebook of girls getting their hair done or taking about how their best friend is coming. I'm reminded that I have friends, but I don't have a best friend. I am so afraid of being left out, or showing up tomorrow and not knowing if I'll have anyone to sit with. Silly right?

Man I am messed up. I feel awful inside. I'm laying in bed seething with all of this negativity and it just keeps growing in me. I have to get rid of it one way or another.

Please forgive any major flubs in punctuation, grammar, or spelling.