manshower in poetry

ten fifteen minutes
twenty minutes shuffling there
in the sick fluorescent shimmer
of the Wal-Mart flood lights
trying to pick a baby shower gift
for old friends
realizing you have no idea
what toys are any good for toddlers
even though you're in your goddamned thirties
it's a thing that can happen
ten o'clock at night
in a Wal-Mart in the middle of nowhere
these are things that happen in life now
when you're me, I guess

a man-shower for my old college roommate
a man-baby shower
any phrase you can come up with it
sounds like some kind of internet fetish
there's no standardized term for it yet
that doesn't generate a giggle
but that's not the problem

I was happy to celebrate with Dave
I was happy to get outta town
for a coupla days
to have an excuse to travel
despite being mostly broke
an occasion that momentous
of course I would go
money be damned
that wasn't the problem

simply put
I'm well into my thirties
and my life is nowhere near knowing
what the hell one buys as a baby gift
let alone on a budget let alone not in Hollywood or New York City
let alone in my middle of nowhere
in a Herkimer Wal-Mart
let alone

trying to find the little numbers
on the toys
where it says what's age-appropriate
the little three months-plus thing
the little six-to-twelve months logo
or whatever
I have been chasing my dreams for so long ago
been watching them blown up
that now I'm thirty-four
mystified by these little things
that should be normal for anyone grown up
but not for me
not the lost person I turned out to be
let alone broke and back in my old home
let alone now
let alone let alone

I would want the little
talking Incredible Hulk plush doll
but it didn't have an age number on it
and anyway I couldn't afford it
and anyway I don't know
if that's something that would be liked
by the to-be-announced baby of Dave
by the little baby TBA

I found a good toy, in the end
for three months plus
a multi-coloured plastic ball
with a whirring little monkey in it
good for hand-eye coordination
something I would have liked as a kid
and I took it to the manshower south of Buffalo
or man-baby shower
or whatever you'd like to call it
and they liked it
and I had a great time with old friends
celebrating their baby TBA
but still
I can't help but linger

on that stretch of minutes
under the hellglow of bank lights
in a redneck Walmart at night
realizing that though I am a full-adult
and well trained as an artist
or a bon vivant
I have almost no idea how to be a person
let alone a man

I never had a Plan B
I still don't
and I can still feel that
wavering
flickering
department store light
pouring down angrily
when I think about that
when I think about
what that makes me