Lately in Phoenix Rises Again

So my journal entries may say alot about my beautiful irish friend and I figure he better have a name. So we will call him Wesley.

Wesley is in a bad mood again. His BPD is really fucking with him. But hes so very honest about it. He let’s people know exactly what’s on his mind so they dont worry. He always gets irritated when my low self esteem starts to show and I ask “is it me” about things. Like is he mad at me specifically or just mad? Is he not in the mood for company or just not my company?

I’m not being accusatory, I just want to know. I’m sure to him it feels as if he constantly has to reassure me but I’m just trying to understand how he feels and knowing whether or not I’ve affected him. That’s a fair thing to ask right? If insert thing here is because of me or not. If I make him uncomfortable or make him feel bad.

Anyway I know he cant handle chatting right now so I just let him know that I admire how hard he works to be the best version of himself he can be. And I want to do that too. He inspires me. It’s a quality I’ve always adored him for. No matter how much shit comes his way he still manages to pick himself up and do his best. It’s a quality that he shares with Jay. I feel like that last thought was probably unnecessary and I dont understand why this thought process prevails. Why should I compare? Theres no actual reason. Why do I automatically compare people to Jay. Or Wesley? Yet I always have. Welcome to the one that got away, and the one I could never have. Two of the best friends I’ve ever had. One stalked me for half my life. The other…might be about to move in with me. And maybe even let me take care of him a bit.

He seems nervous about being taken care of and I get it. His mom has been very helpful but shes starting to remind me of my mom when she was trying to make something up to me without actually apologising. I’ll have to set firm boundaries with her-just like Wesley said. But I have trouble doing that. I’m pretty good at keeping boundaries but setting them is more difficult.

I feel like becoming a submissive might help me learn this skill. I’m sure gonna miss my dominant friend.

Let’s see if my apartment complex will give me the dishwasher I need which was in the unit I viewed but not the one I’m living in. Managment seems pretty shit but I’ve dealt with that more often than not and it’s only 6 months. Wesley said he could share the burden of dishwashing if he moves in but not do it all.

Hes honest with himself and me. I appreciate that greatly. I remember him telling me how his dad used to make him do dishes as a punishment and how much he hates doing them now because of the way its programmed him. I totally get that too. My ex tried to punish me with sih duty even though he said I’d never have to do them. He lost that battle. I simply refused because he promised. He had to clean maggots out of the sink a couple times. But I was just holding him to his word. He was the reason we didnt have a dishwasher even though it’s a deal breaker for me.

So now I’m looking into getting a countertop one for the next 5 months. I really dont want to spend money on one but I will have to if they cant fix this today. It could be worse though. It could be alot worse.

So I apparently already have xfinity here because someone else with xfinity l1ives nearby. Not sure how great the connection will be when I try to hook up a computer or playstation but it’s nice that I dont have to switch my service over eight away.

I do need to switch my medicaid though cuz one of my teeth fell out today. (A fake one that wasnt cemented properly…sigh)

Debating coloring my hair in Phoenix Fire. To say hey Jay guess what? I tired. I tried to help amd get you what you wanted but you wont talk to me so I guess you dont care. He might be back. It’s possible but I need to not operate on the assumption that he will be. I need to learn how to live without constantly thinking about what my stalker would want and what would be best for him. Hes not my stalker anymore. How strange is it to miss being stalked? But sometimes it seems that’s how it is. Other times… I just miss my friend Jay. I cant seem to accept that both of these things could be true and that they could both be the same person. I know that’s how it is, but it confuses me. I bet he didnt even miss me at his last show. After all, I’m ‘just a fan’ right. He just wants everyone to forget everything he said before. And it seems like they are all complying with that request. If he wants me gone so bad as to intentionally try to manipulate me into bot remembering him again, then why hang around for that? I dont need that shit. Sure I owe him alot, and I miss him, and I’ll never forget. But he doesnt want to be friends right now so it’s time to stop banging on a locked door. It’s not just my low self esteem. I’m pretty sure he just doesnt want me around. So I left, but its rough. I miss his smile and his voice.

Being around Wesley helps, especially when it starts to feel so comfortable. We dont have to have a label for me to enjoy the things I love about him, and Ima time may come when I’ll have to give some of those things up: his cuddles, his playful teasing, his willingness to put up with my shit. But until then I’ll enjoy every second, and if I’m being honest I probably wont stop enjoying the effect he has on me even without those things.

Sliding into the junk community here. Not sure I’m ready to hash that out. Gotta go get breakfast now and try to work all this out.

Wish me luck.