Why. in A Day in the Life of Me

{If you are in a good mood/place stop here, cause this all goes downhill after this line.}

It is a question I find myself asking alot the past few days.
I know internally I am struggling.
But Why?
I think about coming on here to write and then think “Maybe I shouldn’t write about this”
Why?
Same thing I think every time i make a post about our/my gym runs. “Noone cares, I shouldn’t post it”
Why?
D telling me I need to get up out of bed that I can’t stay there all day before he leaves for work
Why?

I am avoiding ppl. I am avoiding talking to ppl most days. If I can bury myself in a book or my phone when I am out, I do.
I don’t call/ msg ppl, because I have nothing to say. I have nothing to contribute.
Yet I am always the first to say I am here if anyone needs. And it’s true for everyone, If I see someone msg’ing, I drop, and I answer.
I am still more and more butthurt over the events of last week.
Doesn’t help they were in D’s work saturday, and he mentioned to M I was at home.
Nothing.
Notta.
Done.
Why?

I feel like a waste of space atm.
I KNOW D will scream otherwise from the mountain tops.
But its just how I FEEL.
FiL doesn’t look to have much longer. He’s in hospital again. they are talking about inserting feeding and med tubes… the cancer is winding its way around his esophagus.
Trying to stay strong for D, but it’s like Dad all over again.