You Can Change An Idea... in Ultimate Randomness

If you have ever seen Dogma, you know how that ends. I won't quote exactly, but the idea is that having ideas is better. It is much harder to change a belief. People will die and kill for their beliefs. Wars are waged over them. Crimes occur because of them. So on and so forth. There is another good quote I will reference that is used ad nauseum in George R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire novels. If you have ever watched Game of Thrones, you probably are quite familiar with it. "Words are wind." Of course, the idea is that it is easy to say something, but it is a person's actions that speak volumes about them.

So where am I going with all this, you ask? A place I have gone to fairly often in this book. My perception of myself vs. others' perception of me vs. the reality of me. So, let's start with the beginning. How do I perceive myself? Generally, not in a very positive light. Now, I know some of that is the depression, but even that seems to work in two parts: the chemical and the mental. Now the chemical I feel is at least under some measure of control. The meds I have been on since February have at least kept me from having suicidal thoughts or feeling like I want to die, for the most part. There are moments here and there, which is why my dosage got increased, but they are very few and far between. It is the mental part of it that I still haven't figured out how to fix. That idea that people would be better off without me. So here is where my Dogma reference comes in. It is really an understatement to call it an idea. It truly has become belief, one that has developed over the last 16 or so years. I truly believe, in the face of all evidence, some things about myself. The first is that I am not attractive enough for someone to be physically intimate with. I am pretty sure that was the first one that fully developed, and it had developed before I finished high school. Somehow, I had made peace with the fact that I was going to die a virgin by the time I was 18. Sure, it was probably because of a string of rejection and the fact that I had not seen even a glimmer of interest from any girl in my school in me. I just got to the point that I assumed it had to do with my looks. After all, I was, and am, a smart, sweet guy and, while I do not care much for dancing, drinking, and clubbing, I do like to have fun, just in a more low key way. So really, I couldn't attribute it to my intelligence or personality, so what else was left? Now, I have been in relationships since then and there has been plenty of physical contact. Hell, I was married for 8 years. Obviously at least one woman liked how I looked. Problem was, even after being together for a few years, I couldn't understand why she would want to have sex with me. Whatever she saw physically, I wasn't seeing. As a result, I generally was hesitant to initiate anything, because I felt like I would be bothering her. You can see where that got me. But even with proof that I was not a completely hideous guy, could it change my belief? Nope, because that was formed off of proof also, and the belief came first. And it is insanely difficult to change some beliefs. One of the newer ones I have to contend with is my belief that I am a screw up. For the last 7 years almost, I have felt like I couldn't do anything right. Some of that was that I would genuinely screw things up. Another part of it was that my wife would jump on me for even little screw ups, like doing some cleaning wrong, or something getting a scratch or dent in it. She is a little OCD, so I understand where it came from and why she would get annoyed with me, but it had a pretty profound effect on how I see myself. When I started back at school, I was so excited and the work wasn't difficult, so I breezed through for the better part of three semesters. But as things got worse between us and the belief that I was a screw up settled in more and more, things got worse, both at home and at school. I managed to squeak through last semester, but this one has been a disaster of epic proportions. On top of that, I still make plenty of mistakes around the house, though at this point, when she bitches at me, I just shut down completely. I mean, I am a screw up, why should anyone expect me to do anything right? Every decision I have made in the last few years has been the wrong one and I have made alot of terrible decisions over the last 14 years, basically since I graduated high school. I have failed out of one school, this one is not going well, and I am stuck in two dead end jobs. They don't make me completely miserable, but I certainly can't support myself off of them, especially once I have to start paying financial aid.

So what about other people's perceptions of me? Well, generally, they are positive. Most people, including D, who I have talked about alot recently, have told me that I am a really good guy, a sweet guy, a sweet talker, smart, capable of anything and so on. Here is where my second quote comes in. It is easy enough for people to say these things about me. They might actually believe them. But as I have pointed out, I have had a long past of rejection and being dumped. I have my failure at finishing college. I have a long string of dead end jobs, one of which I truly hated. Oh yeah, and my wife wanting a divorce. Let's not forget that one. So it is really easy for people to say these things to me and feel like it is the truth, but all evidence points to the contrary. I really do want to believe them. I do. I want it more than anything. I want to believe that D can truly be interested in me and that she may even want to be with me at some point. I want to believe that I can finish college and become a teacher. I want to believe that perhaps I can be in a long term relationship with someone who truly loves me again. But between my beliefs and all the evidence, it is hard to have hope, which just perpetuates the cycle that I am in.

So what is my reality? I am not a troll, but I am no Ryan Gosling either. I have been to three different colleges and still not received a degree of any kind. I will be a divorcee at some point. I have only worked one job in 32 years of life which could have supported me, but it made me hate life. The only true adult success I have had are at jobs that a teenager could do. There are quite a few things I cannot do for myself, though I am sure I could learn alot of them. But car maintenance beyond changing tires, oil, and brakes will always be beyond me. I will probably be living in a one-bedroom apartment at some point by myself. And because of my issues, I will probably be by myself for the rest of my life, without anyone to love or to love me. After all, women like confidence and nobody likes someone who sponges off of other people, who can't take care of themselves. So why would I believe anything different?

PS: Within 10 minutes of finishing this entry, I already managed to spill a load of hot oil on the floor in the kitchen. I am a curse upon this house, I swear.