Crazy - 20.09.13 in Your Face

I feel like I'm going crazy. This week passed so quickly, but all it did was remind me that I'm still stuck here. 7 weeks today, which isn't that long, it just feels like it. I haven't heard from M in days. Last time I hadn't heard from him I stupidly let myself hope that he had found work. I'm not letting myself fall into that trap again. I am trying to accept the fact that he has let me down, and that I feel like he is not trying hard enough, but it's so difficult to admit it to myself. He wants me there with him, but obviously he doesn't want it enough to pull out all stops. That is what hurts. Neither of us are having a part, and he is the only one who can change that. I am so disappointed. I don't know how to express that to him.

It's Friday night and the weekend ahead of me seems bleak. I have been exercising most days to try and stave off depression, but it's not working yet.

I am lonely. I bought a stuffed moose at the airport in LA because it reminded me of a similar one that M had. That moose has been in bed with me ever since, save for a handful of nights where it needed to dry off after being washed. There is a stuffed, floppy dog for sale in the book club at work for $6, and I have ordered one. I keep eyeing off the display one on the shelf in the kitchen, looking forward to next Friday when mine will arrive. I feel like this bed is huge without M and Ernie in it, I need something to cuddle up to. How pathetic is that?

I just need something to hope for, to look forward to. I want to make plans, count down days. To see the finish line off in the distance and to know that the life I am living now will come to an end at some point, and my new life will begin.