There Are Some Bad Days in Out in the Open

My life has been so good as of late. However, occasionally I still fall into a bit of a funk. C has told me no as a final decision on having another child. I have NOT been taking this well. I can't stop crying. Being almost 39 my mind and body is going into a tailspin at the thought of never being pregnant again. I only got one. As a child all I dreamed of is a big family. That's all I wanted. Now knowing Lily will be a only child is killing me. She is getting stiffed out of such an amazing thing. It makes me angry.
I haven't been this angry in a long time. Angry at him and angry at myself. How did I let this happen? How did I put my faith in him? Why did I wait? The last 7 of my productive years spent on waiting for him to come around... If he wouldn't have led me on I would have moved on. But he told me he wanted kids. He told me he wanted marriage. I have begun this horrible hate for him. I want to scream at him. I want him to see me falling apart. But I can't do that. I can't open myself like that to him. I can't help but think it's my own fault. He never committed. I should have walked away. But when he started coming around to see Lily, and inviting me to stay over, and started paying attention to me again, I just read into it again. Or did he lead me on? I don't know. All I know is my hate for him is growing. My sadness for letting go of childbearing years is overtaking my mind. All I want to do is cry. I feel as though something so special and so wonderful was taken from me. How do I get past this?