Doesn't matter anymore in Journal 2021

I feel bad but sometimes I wonder if it had been better to let Calin die. Helping him just earned me another betrayal after betrayal. Helping everyone just ruined everything. I think about this alot. And I just don’t have the energy to call myself a bad person anymore. I wish I had ignored his messages and everyone else’s asking for help. I feel like I’ll get arrested for saying something so cruel. But I can’t do it anymore, I stopped caring because I’m so tired and he wouldn’t have cared if I did anyway. I’m tired of feeling bad for everyone. For two years I’ve just felt bad for everyone and for what? Everyone chose a monster time and time again over me and I dont care if its monstrous or wrong to say that I wish I never helped. I don’t want to do it anymore so I ignore them I don’t answer any messages or pay attention.

In December, everyone’s true colors showed. They let such a dangerous person near me and others because I guess friendship matters more than morals. I just wanted to tell them if anyone gets raped or assaulted it’s your fault. It’s your fault people get hurt by him.

Everyone kept blaming me in the past. It wasn’t my fault. I try so hard to know it’s not my fault for everything that happened. Kaia, it’s your fault I was told this or you could tell they wanted to say this. And when it’s theirs they hid and acted like something was wrong with me. I just wish they could feel how horrible I feel sometimes.

It’s bad to say you hate someone but I hate them all. They lied and for what? Everyone just lies to me in some way and I cant keep saying I care about helping. I dont want to hear about anyone’s rape in graphic detail ever again. I dont want to see self harm anymore I dont want to help anyone with anything anymore.

I’m so tired and everyone kept blaming me for wanting to stop and I just wanted to rest. I just wanted to rest but everyone kept acting as if I never could. And now I just feel indifferent. It’s bad to hate people but some part of me wants them all to have your body used against you to and be blamed all the time for it for so long by everyone even if they dont say it upfront.

I just want everyone to go away, so I ignore them. All I have is school now and writing. I just want the responsibility to go away. I love my friends but I just want to let it out but I cant I can never talk about with being blamed in some way.

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Sorry, I had to vent. I’ve been having a good time with school and college is going to be fun. Anyway I need to go to bed, I woke up early due to being thirsty and ended drinking all of my suspiciously cold water.