Change of heart. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my girl that text me about coming back to work hasn’t responded to my text. I honestly just have serious issues with working there anyway. My car already have 201K miles on it from that job and gas is now $2.89/gallon and is expected to go up. Summer is coming and we have different events going on that always makes it even worse. I don’t want to work just to buy gas and pay for childcare. I’m not benefiting from that and neither is my child.

I also asked the other night if it’s cool with everyone that I’m coming back and didn’t get a response so I worry what reception I would receive walking through the door and I really don’t want to deal with that on top of an already toxic work place. I also keep thinking about how miserable I was the last 2 years I was there and it just brings back so many negative feelings and memories that I don’t want to think about anymore.

My parents came and got my kid’s bike and trampoline. They wanted to take her truck too but I just told them that I can’t find the charger because I’d rather that not go.

Another issue is my Mom said that as far as her watching my kid while I work, she’s just not willing to be away from her house that much (it would be 4 days/week) and that I could bring her to their house. I already told her a thousand times how I feel about that and I’m not willing to do it. I also wouldn’t be able to keep her in school because then I would never see her. I also don’t want her getting up at 6am to be at school and then see her for about 30 minutes just to drop her off at daycare.

She has her dentist appointment in the morning and then I’m going to take her to school afterwards. I hope my stimmy hits so I can go buy a new phone that I desperately need.

I will probably still have my Mom come watch her this weekend and go dashing. My Mom is forever telling me that I don’t have to work and I know that but I do want to be a normal person! I have truly enjoyed not working but I miss it at the same time. I know that if I go back to that job, they would slowly but surely give me more hours than I want and I would have all the same fucking problems that I had before. I just don’t think I am in a place mentally to deal with it again.

I have honestly done a lot of thinking in the past few months and I have to break away from that place and do something else. I just can’t go back to something that completely broke me mentally, physically, and it was more important than anything else in my life. I’m not going to wear ‘burnt out’ as a badge of honor ever again. Even after I agreed to come back, I got super jittery, I felt like I couldn’t swallow, and my heart was pounding. I don’t think that it would be good for my mental health to work for a place that has that kind of impact on me.