Lonely in Musings

I think Covid has left a lot of us feeling lonely. Add that on to the fact that I left the church 4 months before it hit so I had no time to reconstruct any sort of community in person. I found it online and have made some real friendships, but there is still something to be said about having in person friendships.

Add to THAT the fact that the only people I do see in person are my family. It’s a whole different kind of lonely to be in a room full of people who are supposed to love you but to feel so misunderstood and frankly unloved. It’s hard when these people stand for all the things that personally harmed you. And to see how they support things that you’re actively fighting against (religious right, homophobia, transphobia, racial inequality etc).

I’m sure they feel the same way about me. Though as far as I can remember in my decades in the church Jesus wasn’t fighting against atheists but against the religious people who were using their power the manipulate people.

I found out my brother and his wife are expecting a boy. I’m excited about it but when I think to the future and the kind of relationship I’m going to have with my niece and nephew it seems pretty bleak. They unsubscribed from Netflix and all other streaming services and my brother has said they want to control the kinds of information their kids consume.

There’s no way they’re going to let the crazy, liberal, feminist, atheist aunt spend any quality time with their kids.

It’s depressing.

I’m thankful I have Nathan. And his siblings & their spouses. I had a conversation with both of my sisters in law about politics the other day and it was refreshing to have a conversation where we could see eye to eye. Nathans’s sister isn’t planning on having kids (which I totally respect) but his brother and his wife are actively planning to have kids soon. So hopefully I can have a good aunt/niece&nephew relationship with them one day.