Ten True Things in Where It All Begins

I come here to write and read every few days and always walk away feeling like whatever I wrote doesn't quite explain where I'm at. My life is no more or less complicated than anyone else yet I struggle to feel like I convey where my head is at at any given time. I'm tired of trying to capture it all though so perhaps my new goal is simply to do 'snapshots in time' that give glimpses. Perhaps that's why I like the 10 True Things format so much. They are true things right now, in this moment, not the whole back story or future worries, just what is happening in that true thing right NOW. So here goes.

1) Loving madly on my day shift position at work. Not a surprise to anyone but I cannot get over how much more calm and how much less anxiety and how truly better my world feels since not having to work any night shifts for the past month. Incredible. Absolutely freakin' incredible. So glad I only had to do nights for a year - I couldn't handle much longer!

2) Things with Rob and fertility and babies and hormones are...stuck. We haven't had any sort of sexual relations since July and he is firmly, staunchly, unbelievably stubborn in refusing to discuss it or move forward on it. He was diagnosed with low testosterone on August 2nd and since then has used that as his excuse for having no interest, being too tired and 'there's something wrong with me. It's not my fault." ever since. Keep in mind his testosterone has likely been low his entire life, including our entire courtship and marriage, but now that it has a title it's changed everything. I hoped it would change things for good but so far it's made him completely shut down. We have an appointment with an endocrinologist on October 8th (aka 72 days since the last time we'd have had sex...not that I'm counting...) and I'm hoping that person can shed some light on this. I don't want to go in there thinking this guy is the saving grace of our sex life and can fix us right now - I'm not that naive - but hoping he can help Rob feel something that helps. If it's guilt that Rob is struggling with, hopefully this guy can help. If it's anger or frustration or really simply just a low sex drive due to low testosterone...hoping he can prescribe a med that helps. I have no idea. This is entirely out of my hands.

3) I do okay with where things stand with this for the most part as long as I don't really sit and think about it. I accept Rob for who he is and I understand that there is a medical issue underlying his lack of a sex drive. It does frustrate me deeply that he doesn't even TRY to step above it or try to pleasure me or please me or hear me out on this at all. My sex life is completely absent and I don't get to have a say in it at all. I'm holding out for October 8th simply because it's a light in the distance that keeps my chin up and my eyes on something other than my heartbreak, loneliness and pain that shrouds most of our interactions right now. Time shall tell.

4) As always, my bright spot continues to be my sweet puppy. She glues herself to me most days, always sleeping across my feet or resting against the chair I'm sitting in or sleeping in my arms. She seems to know my heart is heavy or hurting and she uses her 80 pounds as a salve to heal me. Call it ridiculous or crazy or just plain stupid but I love that dog and our bond more than I ever thought a human could love an animal. She's my good buddy and in my best times, my darkest times, my happy times and my hard times, she's always right there with a celebratory excited jump with ears perked or a calm, quiet, peaceful snuggle. I've cried into her fur more times than I can count. She's been my saving grace through a rough time.

5) Work has been heavy on my heart lately too. I have cared for five patients who were 35 years old or younger in the past four weeks on the day they died. None of them were expected to die and all were traumatic, emotional, heart wrenching situations. All of them had children they left behind. All of them had mothers who wept uncontrollably at their bedsides when they were pronounced dead. I'm not sure how to process all of it yet but it certainly makes me turn inward and reflect more on the blessings in my life, that a husband with a low sex drive is not the worst problem to have, that my struggles are truly not as deep or as dark as I sometimes let them feel. It's impossible to do this job without becoming more and more thankful for your family, your friends, your health, your home, your simple daily routines, your freedom to move and feel and think and breath however and whenever you want. This job is a challenge to every fiber of my being but it always gives me such a profound appreciation for things that I've had all along. It's impossible to articulate yet I will always continue to try.

6) The sunsets have been incredible lately and the sunrises while running with my sister have been equally breathtaking. Whatever is happening in the universe is making some stunning portraits across the sky. Pinks and reds and oranges and yellows all bursting from the horizon and causing me to pause, to ponder, to protect a few simple early morning or late afternoon seconds to take it all in. So much happens inside our own heads that we forget to look outward and appreciate all the things of indescribable beauty happening all around us. I will miss these late summer/early fall sunsets and sunrises once winter hits and everything is grayer, whiter and more muted. Such perfection right now!

7) Speaking of season changes, fall is officially upon us. The crisp bite in the air is evident and as much as my summer loving heart fought it, I'm back in yoga pants and hoodies and jeans and boots and all the other accessories of fall. I replaced all of our air fresheners with cinnamon apple and autumn leaves and lavender mist scents and it a sensory experience every time I come home. I also bought Bed Bath and Beyond out of my favorite fall/winter scent 'Home Sweet Home' not only because it is cinnamon but because it's my mom's favorite scent and it, so aptly, reminds me of my own home sweet home. She didn't even realize that that's what it is called until she came over to my house last week and remarked on how much she loved the smell in my kitchen. I showed her the candle and when her face registered confusion, I explained that I bought that candle because SHE buys that candle and because it reminds me of home. She laughed, appreciating the simple moment of domestic bliss shared between us. I am more her than I will ever really grasp and in new ways every time I see her, I'm reminded what an honor it is to be just like her.

8) Fall also means the return of indoor volleyball season. I am ecstatic about that and am playing four nights this week alone. I enjoy sand volleyball for a quick silly workout and grass volleyball tournaments are a great way to see friends and spend a summer afternoon...but indoor volleyball with offensive schemes and calling plays and roll through digs and smothering blocks are where my heart is happiest. I absolutely LOVE this game and could play it every night of the week if my schedule allowed. I played on six teams all through college (back before I started working 12 hour nursing shifts ;)) and still miss those days. I enjoy running but volleyball energizes me. I am subbing on seven different teams this fall and hoping to play 3-4 times a week if work allows. Here's to a sore back and sore arms and a happy grin on my face the whole time I'm out there :)

9) Headed off to spend the afternoon at home with my mama baking some fall favorites and catching up over warm pots of stew and ovens fragrant with baking bread. We played volleyball together on Monday and on the drive home, she asked me about how things were with Rob. As I keep almost all of that part of my life to myself, I hadn't really spoken to anyone about my pain or loneliness in a very long time. She unleashed a river of emotions unknowingly with that question and we proceeded to sit in my driveway and talk/cry/hug for the next three hours. I felt like I ripped open my chest and handed her my still beating heart. She took it with tender, loving hands and soothed it, simply being the ear to listen that I needed so deeply right then. I'm looking forward to a much less intense day today and simply being near her before again sharing the volleyball court tonight at a local gym. Rob will be there too along with my uncle and a few cousins who all play on our team together. Believe me, I didn't find a love for volleyball randomly...it was bred into me, I think!

10) We have a fun stretch of weekends off coming up including traveling for weddings, hosting some football parties, hiking with the dog, seeing friends and getting ready for fall by packing up the outside of the house and getting things squared away inside. Lots of things happening around here, as always, and while I will miss the warmth and light of summer I am already welcoming cozy nights inside and crackling fires and movie nights and stovetop stews. My dad always used to say he loves living in the Midwest because we get such distinct seasons and I always used to lament that as ridiculous because I just wanted summer. I'm starting to see what he meant now though as I have found specific reasons to delight in little things about each of the four seasons. We do definitely get all four full seasons here and each one brings with it another reason to be thankful and appreciative and humbled by nature, by change, by growth, by transition.

Thanks for listening, friends. Hoping all is well in your little corners of the world. :)