Oh Hai in The Crimson Permanent Assurance

Yes, I am alive. I live. I read you all the time. I just have such a hard time writing. I want to change that, I'm just not sure how. The kids are good, Tim is good, I am good, I guess. I think I might be depressed, but I am trying so hard to change that. We are plowing ahead with house and yard renovations. I am struggling at work with trying to get my pay and promotion worked out. I am about halfway there, it's been six months of trying to get things straightened out, which is ridiculous but sadly par for the course. Maybe next pay things will be straightened out.

So lets just do some pseudo bullet points-

Savino is done with school in about a month, no child has ever been so excited to be done with kindergarten. He HATES going to school, but is happy when he actually gets there.

Haley's grades. I can't even. She's definitely going to fail Spanish this year and I don't even know what else because I am scared to look at her grades online. I have told her that her grades are her responsibility and left it at that, which displeases her teachers but lets just do a reality check here: I work 3rd shift, I ask her if she's done her homework every day, if she lies to me then that is on her. I have decided that it is not worth it to scream at her about homework/grades/whatever. I've told her that her grades determine what sort of grants/scholarships/whatever she gets for college and not to count on us paying for the college of her choice. If she chooses not to do her homework then that is her choice. So, whatever. I choose my battles.

I have so much more to say but I am so so tired after one more long week on 3rd shift. I will say this much, because it has impacted my life: I am still weekend binge drinking but I upgraded to 100 proof vodka which means that I drink a LOT less, and I don't feel sick afterwards like before. I would like to think that this is a step towards quitting but I don't know. I am still trying to figure out if it is a problem if you only drink on the weekend and there is no impact on your daily life. Since I switched up to 100 proof vodka, I wake up at 7am on the weekends not feeling sick, and I'm functional and productive. I don't want to rely on vodka to find moments of peace, just on the weekend, but at the same time, I look forward so much to the mind-numb. Also, lately, the only time I want to have sex, at all, with anyone, let alone Tim, is when I'm buzzed to drunk. Otherwise I don't want to be touched. Alcohol is the lubricant of my weekend life. Is that a bad thing? Probably, but I feel like my only other option is anti-depressants and I don't know if I am there yet. I'm so not anti-pills-to-fix-what-is-wrong-with-you, but if your life just sucks, is it really the right answer to take a pill to make you passive and happy? I don't know. I just know that Tim is happier when I am willing to do the deed, and if it takes me a few drinks to get there, I'm willing to do it at this point because I need him to feel secure, I need him to feel as though he is capable of providing for us because I am struggling overall.

Please don't leave me, friends. I know I suck at updating/noting, but if I lose you, there is nothing but stress in my life. If you move to the new diary site, let me know so that I can keep up with you. I'm not leaving PB, unless I absolutely have to. I will be wherever you are, because I'm not sure what I have if it's not your updates. I will follow you, just don't leave me here, guys. I need you, so much.