Hurt people in Like No One Is Reading

hurt people.

I said that to my 13-year-old son today after yet another argument between him and my 20-year-old son. The older accuses the younger of gaslighting. He’s not always wrong about it.

When I said that, “Hurt people hurt people,” he looked at me with his eyes that are still the eyes of my 4-year-old baby and they filled up with tears and his cheeks turned all red and he tried to turn away but I hugged him.

Sometimes all I can think is how badly I’ve fucked this all up. Doing my best wasn’t enough, I fucked this all up and there’s no fixing it and there’s me and my children, all 4 of us, damaged and sad and hurting and…

Then I made dinner and he said there was “too much cheese in this mac and cheese” and, for whatever reason, that got the 3 of us laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, and I think maybe we’re not so fucked up after all. Just a little fucked up, maybe.