It's A Not-So-Wonderful Life in Ultimate Randomness

Believe it or not, this goes beyond my usual depressive stuff. Actually, this is a title for something I wrote about 13 years ago. At the time, I was writing for this one site. Now to let you all in on a little secret. Back when wrestling was at it's most popular, there were those of us who were not athletic enough to become wrestlers ourselves, but were creative enough to come up with the characters and write out their "promos": the little speeches wrestlers give smack-talking their opponents before an upcoming match. This little phenomenon was known as wrestling RPGing. It is basically the wrestling equivalent of D&D. You play as your character, write out the things you think they would say, and if you were better than your opponent that week, your character would win a match written by the administrators, who would write out a whole show, a la Monday Night Raw, complete with announcers and all. It was actually alot of fun and probably why I still think I can write pretty well. Well, after some time doing this, for me, the fiction took on a life of it's own. I was no longer content verbally thrashing my opponents. I started writing little stories of things that happened outside the walls of the XWL (the name of our little wrestling federation). And I was pretty good at it. One of the stories I wrote was a take on "It's a Wonderful Life" where my character was set to drive off a cliff for a variety of reasons that would take too long to explain, but is stopped by his mother, who happens to be an angel. Told ya I started going off track. In any case, she shows him what the lives of the people in the XWL would be like if he had never been born. Unlike the source material, it seemed that everyone involved was alot happier without his presence. Then, his mother showed him how his four brothers fared without him, and they were completely lost and alone. It was the plight of his brothers that convinced him that he needed to live. So live he did.

So why have I taken up your time with this little story? Because I am having some of that myself right now. I can see so many ways in which the people closest to me would be happier if I had never been around. My sister, if she did not have an older brother who excelled in school, may have had more confidence in her studies and been able to go to college herself. Maybe she has her happy marriage and son on top of having a successful career. My dad, who has had to support the family since I was born, less than a year after marrying my mom. Maybe if they had had a few years before having my sister, they would have known each other as a couple better instead of just being parents. Maybe my dad would not have had to work hard jobs his whole life, been able to save some money and do something he enjoyed instead of just surviving. At the very least, he could live his life without having to check on me every night just to see if I am ok. My mom, if she wasn't so concerned about quitting smoking for our health, wouldn't have ended up with a gambling problem, which ended up costing her more money that the smoking would have and ruined their marriage. Honestly, she seems to be doing just fine now, and she has had less of me in her life lately than anybody else. Coincidence? My ex. If it wasn't for me, she would probably still have the dogs, the house, all the stuff she has that she loves, but without having lost her relationships with her friends and family. And she would still have her job, or a better one, and be doing just great in life. Without me, things would be better for her. If she would just go ahead and divorce me, she would be doing great. But she is concerned about me. She shouldn't have to be. I could go on and on with more examples, but I think I have made my point. While I have good intentions and people like having me around, I just ruin people's lives and make things more difficult for them. Maybe I should just leave. I don't want anyone else to have to hurt because I am in their lives. I just wish I knew what to do...