Void of Consequences. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

Was going to title this Purpose/Feeling Needed something else, but here we are. I went from thinking about what I have to hope for, to strive towards. But then I started thinking about my complete lack of motivation.

It sounds nice in theory. Living in a position where nothing you do quite matters. We all like feeling needed in some way. But it is far more dynamic than interpersonal relationships.

When living with partners, what happens if I don’t do the dishes? Well, it effects them. What happens if I don’t do the dishes now? Nothing.

Or taking out the trash? With a partner, it effects them. Without, well, doesn’t really matter.

It’s 4:30pm, I haven’t eaten yet today, and have nothing to do tonight. Does it really matter if I don’t eat until “later”? Not really. (I’m seriously not hungry.)

What if I don’t vacuum? Bluntly, it never matters.

You’re not going anywhere. Going to feel motivated to brush your teeth? Admit it, you’re more likely to if you’re off to work or have a date.

Putting gas in your tank. Commuting a lot? You’ll watch your gauge. Short trips? You’ll probably let it slide more.

When I was a gymrat, I found it much more difficult to get myself to the gym on my off-days. Because on work days, I only have certain spans to get it done. A day off? Oh, I could do it “anymore”. So, what is one more hour of dragging my feet?

I’m not good at creating artificial structure, and I envy those A-types that just make their own schedule and do it. Let me give a good example of setting your own schedule: Dorming.

Oh sure, you have to get to class. I don’t recall playing hooky when I dormed. But when to study or do homework? Anytime! Get out of class at 3PM and have the “rest of the day” to study? It’s so easy to just laze in your dorm room, only leaving before the dining hall closes. I felt it SO difficult to get things done, because I was constantly “at school”. You bet that when I was posting Sims2 stories, could have been avoiding studying.

Contrast that with commuting. You have to get to class, sure. But there’s a motivation after class to get things done. Isn’t it obvious? Sooner you get your studying/homework done, sooner you go home and are NOT at school.

My lack of life aspirations are another story, one which I have few or zero answers for. I could drop off this site for months, which I accidentally did, and beyond a little wondering of where I was, it wouldn’t matter too much. I could do the same with facebook, and it would be similar. I’m the type of friend where, if you go AWOL for a bit, and you come back, I’d welcome you with open arms. (Though, I try not to be THAT elusive.)

We all like to feel needed, important. I have nobody critically leaning on me. And I’ve functioned better in the past when I’ve had someone who really needed someone to lean on. I can think of at least … four people who have leaned on me, whether a partner or a friend who needed short-term support for something serious. Number is probably higher as I tend to downplay myself.

To think I can chided whenever I demonstrate an I AM AWESOME expression of ego. :: laughs :: I mean, I AM awesome, but I also don’t think much of myself. Despite how verbose I am, I’m actually good at listening when a friend needs to wordvomit. Love when friends feel comfortable wordvomiting to me. I simply modulate how often I do it to others, as I know it makes some feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

Well, think I’ve explored that train of thought. CHOO CHOO.