Human Connection. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

Been a rough morning/afternoon. I tried Operation Distraction to “forget” how I was feeling, but it wasn’t quite working. It’s annoying that facing our emotions sometimes makes them feel worse before they feel better. Anxiety, fear, nervousness, loneliness, etc. Loneliness. You can’t outthink that one.

I was doing some thinking about Love Languages.

I know, to a degree, how I express affection. But. I’m the one that needs affection. I matter, too. And as I thought about it, thinking about how I’ve gotten affection in the past might not be an efficient approach. A lot of service-oriented thinks are out - I liked making Wife tea, or making dinner. I love cuddles. I love watching Star Trek. Not options.

I have been told to my face “I love you”, and not felt it. Depression lies.

And I thought of what most of what makes me happy has in common: shared experiences.

It’s actually quite general if you think about it. I know Trek, you know Trek, we have something in common. You take your partner out to diner, you just shared the time together. Physical touch is shared. Someone mentions the traffic on I-80, and you relate. I love watching reaction videos on youtube, especially if something I’ve seen. Being sent cookies might seen like gift-giving, but it’s more the thought that counts. Don’t we all like being thought of?

The common preface these days is “That feeling when.”

You reading this is a shared experience.

And Bernie’s Mittens.

Those of us that were passing along those memes all have a shared experience of it.

And if I reflect on those few days when they were everywhere, I don’t remember being sad. I was actually smiling rather regularly. And I didn’t feel as alone.

I don’t have a formal list yet of outlets to feel more love. I freeze up a little when asked what my interests are, but there are more than I realize. But remembering Bernie’s Mittens gives me hope that I can smile again. Because with the kind of loneliness I feel periodically, I need all the hope I can get that my mood attacks will end eventually.

I’ll continue meditating on this.