Crazy busy, positive pregnancy test!! in Since OD is shutting down....

So, a couple of nights ago my best friend sent a picture of 3 positive pregnancy tests sent from my BD. I’m not sure what to make of that since he lies about everything so not sure if it’s actually true or not. I honestly hope not because there will just be another child growing up without a father. He’s still not stable and just started working again recently to avoid going to jail for not paying child support.

I will admit that this shit had me in my feelings for a couple of hours until I realized that it’s not my turn and I already done put in my time. I hope that if this is true, the girl knows that she’s in for a ride and will be doing everything all on her own just like I have since I found out I was pregnant. I had a drink and thought back to everything I went through and I definitely wouldn’t wish it for anyone else. I also thought about what if he’s an actual Dad to this kid when he never was to his first born? That thought alone fucked me up but then I remembered how selfish he is and I know he’ll never be what a child needs.

Anyways....so my Mom showed up yesterday with her little boyfriend. I had the day planned of them hanging out with my kid so that I could go pick up groceries, buy my brakes, and then have her little man put them on like he volunteered to do. Well, my Mom mentions it right in front of him and he looked super uncomfortable, like a deer caught in the fucking headlights so that let me know to make other arrangements. I got in the car with my daughter where she was very upset and crying because she only got to see my Mom for about 3 minutes because she was stuck running this worthless piece of shit all over hell and I text my brother and asked if he knew anyone that would put my brakes on. He actually agreed to which was definitely a shocker because it’s generally like pulling teeth getting him to do shit.

My Mom’s little boyfriend promised her money to get her ring out of pawn, gas money, and said he was going to pay me back for me paying for her oil change. Well, once again he didn’t follow through. It’s not like we asked him, he offered. So I was pissed and told my Mom to get rid of him. She drove him to where he needed to go and then took him home. Once they walked in, she announced she was leaving and he was super pissed. Okay, well she doesn’t owe him anything, even an explanation!! The guy is a fucking creep and we should have never tried to reach out to him after the last round of shit he put my Mom through.

Anyways, I am just super glad my kid is taking a nap. She was up 15 hours yesterday and I thought I was going to lose my marbles. Mom might come tomorrow depending on the weather and I hope she does because I’m ready for a break. I love my daughter but I also enjoy getting out too. I have also been thinking about preschool but I need to research all of that more because I don’t know if I can put her in anywhere without income and need to find one that’s taking kids before September. I want her to be learning and around other kids so I need to get some more information. I know that she likes not having to be at daycare much anymore but I worry about her missing out on stuff too.

I have absolutely fallen in love with my freedom and that scares me. I know that pretty soon I need to get serious about finding a job. I just went through absolute hell for 7 years with the last job and I’m scared I’ll go through all the same shit somewhere else. I also like being able to be with my daughter. I miss working though. I just want a job where they are more understanding if I don’t have childcare for holidays, if I have to leave because my daughter is sick, and not have to stay hours after I’m supposed to leave. I just feel like my last job fucked me up really bad because even now, I still have flashbacks of stuff and it’ll literally ruin my whole fucking day.

Next Friday we are putting my Mom’s dog down. He’s a 15 year old blue heeler and it’s his time. We’ve known since Summer and it sounds like he’s having more bad days then good ones. I am going to see if my brother can watch my kid because I won’t take her to something like that. I know I’m going to be a fucking mess for a while and I wanna get out the majority of my tears while my daughter isn’t around. I knew this was coming but I’m still devastated. This dog has been so important to me and I don’t want to say goodbye. I know we’re doing the right thing but doing the right thing doesn’t always feel like it.

I want to get back into the gym. I hate my body and it’s time to make some changes. I seriously can’t stand the way I look. I have flabby arms, a huge stomach and overhang, and a double chin. I gotta get myself back to where I feel good about myself and actually have some confidence.

I’m gonna enjoy my few minutes of silence before she wakes up. More later.