MIL in Journal

Yeah, yeah. MIL’s are always bitchy.
Mine is… not really bitchy. At least, not in any way that you could tell off the bat. She’s pretty mild, passionless, passive.
Long story. I have had a beef with her about how she parents and grand-parents. Which is to say, that she doesn’t. Her first grandchild is chronically neglected, autistic (which in it itself is not the problem), malnourished, hit, yelled at, called names, punished, constantly castigated, etc. It’s very painful and distressing to witness. I started to express my concerns over how this child was treated around 3 years ago. I started asking what could be done- could we intervene, could she suggest better parenting, was it possible to change his diet a bit? I even gave the family free eggs and milk for a time- until I found out they weren’t even giving it to the kid. Mind you, I’ve never seen him eat anything green except for the green m&m’s.
And, this year has really brought everything to a head.
Not only did we have our first baby, but MIL was diagnosed with uterine cancer or something early in the year.
Now, I have deep sympathy for things that people can’t control. It is a true tragedy that some people get cancer after a life of healthful eating, regular exercise, judicial sun exposure, etc. Also, I just sort of automatically give people the personal responsibility of deciding what to do about their health problems. Early on, MIL sought my advice about her diagnosis- mind you, she has sought my advice before. When I first started dating DH, we went through her pantry and I gave her some very good advice on eating, diet, etc. And, she ignored all of it.
So when she sought my advice about the cancer thing, I was jaded. I sent her some articles, and I gave her the advice that anyone should follow if they’re responsible adults. Get a second opinion. See a specialist. Ask what all the alternatives are. What is the prospects of each treatment plan.
I don’t particularly care that my advice isn’t taken. But… you know, I do care that she asked, promptly ignored me, did whatever she was going to do, and then acts pitiful and wants sympathy for her plight. She wants sympathy, she cries, she victimizes, she uses it as an excuse for her failure to be at all useful or just do what she said she would do, and fails to respond to basic polite request for boundaries.
Over Xmas season, MIL invited us to a kid friendly thing with them and the BIL his family. I politely declined. She asked why. I said, I don’t feel comfortable spending time with BIL, BM and their kid. She seemed distressed about that. Asked if there was any way we would reconsider.
So, DH and I wrote a thoughtful email that detailed our concerns. We feel strongly that BIL and BM are a detriment and a harm to our parenting, our peace of mind, and we don’t want our son exposed to it.
Then, neither of them- MIL or FIL- responded to us for 6 weeks. After a month and a half, they sent an email that said in a nutshell, “we disagree with your idea that sheltering your son from his cousin just because he has autism will protect him. You can’t shelter your son- interactions with his cousin won’t be harmful, it gives him a chance to bond, and your son will have more positive impact than his cousin will have negative impact.”
Yeah. So they want to spin our concerns about BIL and BM as intolerance for autism. What a crock of shit. Not only did they not speak to us throughout the thanksgiving/xmas season despite requests to talk, but this is how they respond. And, just to be clear, I don’t have any problem with the autistic nephew per se. I am concerned that his disability disallows any kind of reciprocative relationship, though. The poor boy has no friends, no social skills, can’t interact with people, can’t talk… I mean. That is mainly why I feel so disgusted by his parents. They have failed profoundly to give him any kind of decent developmental support. I can’t be responsible for or subsidize their failure as parents. I can’t let my son do that, either.
It was the last dinner with them that BM said, “The therapists have given me like 3 brushes, but I just don’t use them. I’m supposed to brush his skin daily but it’s just so weird! I don’t want to have to do something weird like that…”
Like, holy hell, woman. Your son’s therapist says he needs this as part of his therapy. This is going to help him! And you think it’s too weird, so you just don’t do it. Fuck. I get so angry just thinking about it. These people should not be parents.
Anyways. MIL has been sending me short texts over the last couple weeks. “We’re having baby withdrawals, we need pics!” “How’s the baby?” “Are you going to have a birthday party for the baby?”
Vomit. I guess if she wants to be part of her grandkid’s life, she should start offering some value. Anyway, I’m not going to enable her idiotic, destructive passivity.